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I know, I know, we just systematically went through every large and small plot point of the original Twilight movie; but—glutton for punishment that I am—I just can’t quit Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson as a besotted schoolgirl and sparkly vampire, respectively. Let’s see what these crazy kids (plus Taylor Lautner as Jacob) get up to in the second installment of the Twilight franchise, shall we?
- Oh, wow, that is a very big moon filling the screen. Seems appropriate.
- Bella’s hair has grown since the last movie, but Edward is as glittery as ever. They’re in a field with...Bella’s grandmother? Oh, wait, it’s actually future Bella.
- Why does Bella’s dad always look so familiar to me? I could IMDb him, but I won’t.
- Bella’s at school, promising to do her friend’s homework (weak) if he and the rest of her friends pose for pictures to make her mom think she has a full, well-rounded life and isn’t always off cavorting with vampires.
- Whoever decided to make Edward almost always approach Bella in slow-mo is a genius.
- It’s Bella’s birthday, and she’s all freaked out about aging. Honey, you’re 18 and you have an undead boyfriend; relax.
- Oh hey, it’s Jacob! There’s obvious tension between him and Edward, and Bella makes fun of how jacked he is, which is rude.
- Jacob gives Bella a dreamcatcher for her birthday, which pisses Edward off. Cough, possessive loser, cough.
- “Bella, you give me everything just by breathing,” says Edward, which...vom. Consider me Team Jacob.
- It really never fails to make me laugh how much white pancake makeup is applied to the Cullens to differentiate them from the non-vampires. Unfortunately, they just look like me in eighth grade before I had figured out my correct shade of concealer.
- Question: Why do the Cullens go to school? If I were an of-age vampire, I would simply vibe.
- Weird-ass Shakespearean-adjacent flashback scene. Hmm.
- It’s time for Bella’s birthday party! I forget, is Rosalie still being a bitch to her?
- Yes, Rosalie is still being a bitch to her.
- Ah, Bella cuts herself opening one of her gifts and all the vampires freak out, especially Jasper, because they <3 blood. Edward...throws Bella into a stack of plates?
- Edward apologizes for trying to kill his girlfriend, to which she responds, “I don’t want normal. I want you.” Ugh. So glad a generation of teenage girls grew up internalizing this message.
- OMG, Edward totally dumps Bella. He obviously doesn’t want to, but he and the Cullens are getting out of Forks, which...fair.
- Bella runs off to the forest and gets lost, then found and saved by a ripped dude whose name I forget.
- It’s Sam! Sam is the ripped dude.
- This is the part of the book that Stephenie Meyer just legit left blank. Iconic.
- Ugh. Breakups are the worst. I feel you, Bella. I mean, not on the “creepy older vampire” thing, but, you know, heartbreak in general.
- Bella goes shopping with Jessica, a.k.a. my angel Anna Kendrick, but she doesn’t buy anything, because she’s famously not like the other girls.
- Some creepy motorcycle guys try to hit on the girls, and Bella toys with danger, possibly in an attempt to get Edward to re-notice her. Unfortunately, this time, he doesn’t magically show up out of nowhere as she cruises on some dude’s bile.
- God, Anna Kendrick’s line delivery in this movie is so good.
- Bella brings Jacob and his long, gorgeous, flowing hair a couple of crappy old motorcycles to fix up. Romance is brewing!
- Jacob’s friends show up to razz him for hanging out with a girl, but they’re clearly sweeties, and Bella is actually having fun with a non-vampire. We love to see it!
- Unfortunately, Bella’s still having screaming nightmares. :(
- Apparently, Sam is a big deal on the reservation and is attracting a lot of followers, which annoys Jacob. Methinks some more non-human stuff is afoot!
- Bella is addicted to getting injured. She also tells Jacob “You’re sort of beautiful,” which...good line, queen.
- Back at the high school, all the hot goss is about hikers being killed by a local bear. Hmm!
- Bella goes to the movies with her friends, but everyone bails except Mike and Jacob, and things instantly get weird.
- Mike has to barf at the violent movie, and Jacob owns him for it. Mean!
- Bella is being Little Miss Mixed Signals with Jacob, who says he’s not going to give up, despite the fact that I personally think he should. It’s almost as though I’m not in this movie.
- Jacob is “really hot”—not in that way, pervs—and begs off, saying he has a fever. Bella is told he has mono, but she’s not allowed to visit.
- Oh, wow, commence “ripped Jacob with haircut being pissed off in the rain” sequence. He doesn’t know what’s happening to him, but he’s still sanguine enough to make fun of the Cullens.
- Bella gets friend-dumped by Jacob, only furthering her heartbreak and repeated fantasies about flirting with Edward in their meadow.
- Hey, it’s Laurent, the French vampire! Bella lies and tells him the Cullens are still around, because a vision of Edward tells her to. Okay.
- Laurent explains that his evil pal Victoria wants to kill Bella, because Edward killed her mate, and fair is fair. Bella threatens Laurent, but he sees right through it.
- Wolves (spoiler alert, the “bear” was wolves!) chase Laurent away, but Bella’s dad won't believe what she saw.
- For someone who’s supposedly fearing for her life, Bella does an awful lot of touching of Jacob’s abs.
- Jacob explains that his tribe, the Quileute, are supposedly descended from wolves and can shape-shift. (Hmm.)
- Bella goes to hang out with the wolf men, and sees one of them shape-shift right in front of her after she pisses him off. Damn, even bad CGI is extremely cool, I must say.
- We meet Emily, Sam’s fiancee, who has clearly been mauled, and learn that Sam is the alpha wolf, and that the wolves have been collectively trying to run off the bad vampires for a while. Also, wolves may be faster than vampires. Damn!
- Bella and Jacob walk on the beach and she tries to convince him to be nonviolent, but it doesn’t seem to be working.
- Face-off between wolves and Victoria! That is one fight I would not like to be in.
- Oh God, I forgot that Bella literally tries to jump off a cliff in order to reunite with real Edward, but imaginary Edward convinces her not to.
- Oh, she, like...actually does it. She’s fine, though, and all smiley after her cliff-dive, looking very post-breakup aglow for about one second until the waves take her out.
- Once again, Bella is rescued, this time by Jacob. (Surprise!)
- Things almost get steamy between Bella and Jacob, but then the Cullens reappear. First Alice, who thought Bella was fully dead due to a vision of her jumping off a cliff. Fair!
- Alice is a total B about Jacob and the rest of the wolves, because there’s apparently some intercommunity rivalry between wolves and vampires. You learn something new every day.
- IDK, am I crazy to think there’s some sexual tension between Alice and Jacob?
- Ooh, Romeo and Juliet vibes! Edward thinks Bella died, so he’s going to the Volturi (scary Italian vampires) to try to die, too.
- Bella tracks down Edward in Italy, where he tells her, “I just couldn’t live in a world where you didn’t exist.” Sorry, but ew.
- Bella tries to sacrifice herself for Edward (R&J, baby! Finally, ninth grade English is paying off!), but the Volturi decree she must either be killed or transformed into a vampire. Guess which one she chooses?
- Okay, so basically, Bella can be changed into a vampire if, and only if, she marries Edward. I hear wedding bells! Meet back here for the next installment?