Olde English 800 vs. Colt 45

Welcome to this week’s edition of BeerFight!, in which we pit two brews of similar pedigree against each other, have them duke it out in a blind taste test, and subject them to other ridiculous criteria to determine which one will deliver maximum return on your beer investment.

The term “malt liquor” is used to describe all manner of fermented liquids, but for our purposes, we mean the pale, potent, and portable class of cheap beer ironically sold in 40-ounce bottles.

That malt liquor is among the most maligned beverages in modern American history. Why? Because the stuff tastes cheap.

This qualm can be quickly dismissed, however, on the grounds that malt liquor tastes cheap because it is cheap. If you’re not looking for budget-conscious relaxation juice, then you’re not looking for a 40 of malt liquor.

Then there’s the other perceived flaw: Forty ounces of beer, particularly the sort of beer that is best enjoyed face-numbingly cold, is a big commitment for one sitting.

Counterpoint: You can always reseal the bottle to save the unused portion for later, or suck it all down with speed, purpose, and dedication—just like you did back in college.

Chances are you probably haven’t paid any attention to the bottom shelf of the beer cooler since your undergrad days. But 40s never left. They’re still waiting for you.

And because there are only so many BeerFights we can stage with IPAs, well, this is where we’ve landed.

Olde English 800. Colt 45. You know ‘em. You loved ‘em once. Let’s see what happens.

Hometown

Olde English 800: Milwaukee, Wisconsin

Colt 45: Los Angeles, California

Alcohol by Volume

Olde English: 5.9 percent (same as Goose Island IPA)

Colt 45: 5.6 percent (same as Sierra Nevada Pale Ale)

Related: The Best Summer Beers For Men

Score On RateBeer.com

Olde English: 0, which sounds kinda bad, BUT the score climbs all the way up to 5 when adjusted for style. (Yes, that’s out of 100.)

Colt 45: 0, style-adjusted 11.

Flavor

Olde English: There’s a fairly strong alcohol aroma, but it tastes better than it smells, with some sweet corn flavor and a grapey maltiness marred only slightly by the cardboard aftertaste.

Colt 45: Smells a bit cleaner, and more like traditional beer, with notes of corn and possibly a grain or two of barley. But the strong start is undermined by a tough finish reminiscent of pizza-shop mushrooms that sat in their aluminum can for too long.

Birth Year

Olde English: 1964 (same as Courteney Cox and Sandra Bullock)

Colt 45: 1963 (same as Johnny Depp and Brad Pitt)

Related: The Hottest Celebrity Couples

Price At Shady Liquor Store On My Block

Olde English: $2.30

Colt 45: $2.39

Common Misconception Regarding Name

Olde English: Not, in fact, based on a classic British ale recipe, nor has Queen Elizabeth ever been seen drinking it in public.

Colt 45: They swear it was named not for the gun, but rather for Baltimore Colts running back Jerry Hill, who wore number 45.

Place In Hip-Hop Lore

Olde English: Ice Cube is holding a 40 of O.E. on the cover of the 1987 gangsta-rap classic “N.W.A. and the Posse.”

Colt 45: Afroman pays homage to Colt 45, among other substances, in “Crazy Rap,” a single from his 2001 Sell Your Dope album.

Does Billy Dee Williams Endorse It?

Olde English 800: No, he does not.

Colt 45: You bet your beautiful ass he does.

Ideal High-Protein Convenience-Store Snack Pairing

Olde English 800: Plastic-wrapped two-pack of pre-peeled boiled eggs.

Colt 45: Plastic tube of orange-dusted hot peanuts.

Packaging Highlight

Olde English 800: It comes in plastic bottles now! This is both heretical and eminently practical. I was deeply offended at first, but the lighter weight and shatterproof construction are much better suited to backpacking onto a bus than the classic glass models.

Colt 45: Sweet pic of Billy Dee.

Actual Blind Taste Test Verdict

My personal nostalgic sentiment favored Colt 45, but a blind-tasting betrayed my present-day preference for Olde English, which also scored points for more convenient packaging and higher alcohol bang for your buck.