Tuesday began like any other in the Mushroom Kingdom: With Princess Peach presiding over her loyal subjects, and a collection of troublemakers wreaking havoc. But for once, it's not Bowser drawing up the negative headlines that usually accompany his hijinks in the Mario universe, because the formerly innocent Toad was compared to the President of the United States' dick by Stormy Daniels.
This stunning revelation has been devastating for Toad fans, including our very own Kevin Nguyen:
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Toad has long been an ideal selection in Mario Kart, since he's both adorable and speedy as hell. Do not despair, though. We've compiled a brief collection of suitable replacement characters to choose from if the phallic imagery Toad now inspires has you questioning your Mario Kart-playing experience/entire childhood. (To be clear, this isn't a boycott of Toad. It's an exercise in self care.)
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Princess Peach
She's one of the few characters who's appeared in every iteration of Mario Kart, and many of the other mainstays either don't have similar driver characteristics to Toad, or have disqualifying mustaches. Her Mario Kart Wiki page notes that her "performance is notably on par with Toad." That's more than enough empirical evidence from a trusted source to make the switch. Another worthy reason: In Super Smash Bros, Peach has long been using Toad as a shield/attack counter, so clearly she realized a while ago that he's expendable. That foresight deserves to be rewarded.
Yoshi
Prior to this entire episode, one could've easily made the argument that if Yoshi didn't brutally swallow up enemies and fire eggs out of its behind, it'd have a legitimate claim as the cutest character in the Mario series. Given our new reality, it's hard to argue Yoshi hasn't assumed that mantle, despite its less-than-aesthetically-pleasing tactics. Choose Yoshi with confidence: It's a slightly heavier selection, listed as a light-medium weight driver, but still quite effective, with elite acceleration when you're trying to put some distance between yourself and Toad.
Any Baby Character
In Mario Kart 8 Deluxe, there are a whole bunch of babies: Baby Daisy, Baby Mario, Baby Luigi, Baby Peach, and Baby Rosalina. Any of them will suffice. They can more or less replicate Toad's speed, and as an added bonus, none of them look like dicks, so presumably odds are low that they'll be mentioned in Stormy's book. Then again, who knows?