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Conversations With A Pedophile: In the Interest of our Children
In an effort to show parents how to protect their children from sexual predators Conversations with a Pedophile, through direct correspondence with a convicted pedophile, describes how victims are selected and preyed upon. Dr. Hammel-Zabin details ways to spot early warning signs of abuse and proves that the danger of pedophilia does not come from the stranger in the street offering gifts of candy. It's the nice boy next door, the distant relative, the sweet baby-sitter. It is also shown that our churches aren't safe havens. Nor are our schools or our Scout troops.
237 pages, Hardcover
First published April 9, 2003
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December 28, 2018
Conversations with a Pedophile: In the Interest of Our Children by Amy Hammel-Zabin
Synopsis:
An art therapist and a victim of an abusive pedophile works in a prison, where she meets an (anonymous) pedophile and exchanges letters with him.
Impressions:
Ugh, this was a really hard book to read and review. I don't want to get to personal, but I also want to write about how this book affected me.
I'll just say this: sexual abuse is a really difficult topic for me. I don't even like to mention it or even say the word; it feels like I'm cursing. My parents never talked about it with me except to say it was bad, so we'll blame that whole thing on them.
I felt so much while reading this book. I really did. I felt anger and disgust and ... sympathy?
Okay, so why don't I just talk about the book so you can kind of understand why I'm feeling this way.
"Conversations with a Pedophile" is told through 2 opposing viewpoints. One is the author, Amy, who also happens to be someone who experienced gruesome sexual abuse. She describes the abuse in the book, and I felt horrible, but yet like I had to keep reading.
The other viewpoint is through an anonymous pedophile whom we shall call Alan. He is locked up in a special sex offender's unit because he abused HUNDREDS of little boys. When Amy & Alan first meet, Alan is extremely depressed, but as they get to know each other Alan opens up to her, the first one he has done so since in prison.
This book was meant to be a book in which the public realize that pedophiles no longer hide in the bushes. Alan was a Boy Scout leader & a deacon in his church. He was a baby sitter for many of the (only) male children in his community. He was a model citizen in his community.
However, I consider myself part of the public, and I already knew that. When I read this book, I felt sorry for Alan, and I hated myself for it. I felt like I was in a cycle of victim-blaming, and I wasn't even his victim!
I much more preferred Amy's part of the story. I felt like I could relate to her. I felt that if we sat down and had a conversation or got coffee, I would like her.
I should mention in this review that the main reason I read this book was because my therapist gave it to me. She completed her dissertation on pedophilia, and actually, I was doing a 10 page paper on the subject for my PSYC 275 class (Abnormal Psychology). The topic was what made that paper The Most Difficult paper I've ever written. However, I learned a lot from my research.
This book was not actually helpful in terms of citing in my research, but it did give me more of an idea of what I was getting into. I didn't even actually use it as a source in the paper, but I did learn as much from this as the journal articles I read about pedophilia, if not more. What I'm saying is that it really helped me get in their head. It was also so interesting that I read it in a day.
The problem was that when I was in an abuser's head, I didn't like it. I hated that this book made me feel sympathy for Alan.
In short, I did like this book, but I didn't love it. It made me feel strong emotions, so that's always a positive. I just didn't like what I was feeling ...
Synopsis:
An art therapist and a victim of an abusive pedophile works in a prison, where she meets an (anonymous) pedophile and exchanges letters with him.
Impressions:
Ugh, this was a really hard book to read and review. I don't want to get to personal, but I also want to write about how this book affected me.
I'll just say this: sexual abuse is a really difficult topic for me. I don't even like to mention it or even say the word; it feels like I'm cursing. My parents never talked about it with me except to say it was bad, so we'll blame that whole thing on them.
I felt so much while reading this book. I really did. I felt anger and disgust and ... sympathy?
Okay, so why don't I just talk about the book so you can kind of understand why I'm feeling this way.
"Conversations with a Pedophile" is told through 2 opposing viewpoints. One is the author, Amy, who also happens to be someone who experienced gruesome sexual abuse. She describes the abuse in the book, and I felt horrible, but yet like I had to keep reading.
The other viewpoint is through an anonymous pedophile whom we shall call Alan. He is locked up in a special sex offender's unit because he abused HUNDREDS of little boys. When Amy & Alan first meet, Alan is extremely depressed, but as they get to know each other Alan opens up to her, the first one he has done so since in prison.
This book was meant to be a book in which the public realize that pedophiles no longer hide in the bushes. Alan was a Boy Scout leader & a deacon in his church. He was a baby sitter for many of the (only) male children in his community. He was a model citizen in his community.
However, I consider myself part of the public, and I already knew that. When I read this book, I felt sorry for Alan, and I hated myself for it. I felt like I was in a cycle of victim-blaming, and I wasn't even his victim!
I much more preferred Amy's part of the story. I felt like I could relate to her. I felt that if we sat down and had a conversation or got coffee, I would like her.
I should mention in this review that the main reason I read this book was because my therapist gave it to me. She completed her dissertation on pedophilia, and actually, I was doing a 10 page paper on the subject for my PSYC 275 class (Abnormal Psychology). The topic was what made that paper The Most Difficult paper I've ever written. However, I learned a lot from my research.
This book was not actually helpful in terms of citing in my research, but it did give me more of an idea of what I was getting into. I didn't even actually use it as a source in the paper, but I did learn as much from this as the journal articles I read about pedophilia, if not more. What I'm saying is that it really helped me get in their head. It was also so interesting that I read it in a day.
The problem was that when I was in an abuser's head, I didn't like it. I hated that this book made me feel sympathy for Alan.
In short, I did like this book, but I didn't love it. It made me feel strong emotions, so that's always a positive. I just didn't like what I was feeling ...
February 22, 2023
2/21/23
TW: Child SA
I just finished this book I read so I can be better at my job. It was a really tough read and took me a very long time to finish because I needed a lot of breaks. While I don't recommend this book to anyone due to the graphic nature, there were some super important takeaways for parents I wanted to share so we can keep our kids safe and off of the radar for people like this. These are not my opinions or parenting advice, but this is what I learned and what I'm taking with me moving forward.
His first step was that he knew how to play the adults. He knew to appear indifferent to kids. In his letters to the author, he detailed how he made friends with people from his church who had sons, but paid little attention to them for a long time before he engaged with them at all. He eventually volunteered to help with the boy scouts. When they asked him to be the leader when the person he was assisting moved on, he said no repeatedly. He made them beg him to take over because the kids liked him and they couldn't find anyone else. When he finally agreed, everyone was relieved and happy he was in the position. He was extremely calculated in his manipulation of people like you and me to gain access to their kids.
Next was that he targeted kids who didn't FEEL seen or heard who had a shaky self-esteem and saw adults as absolute authority. So how do we raise kids who feel seen and heard by us, who have good self-esteem, and respect adults but feel confident to say no if they need to?
He said a child who does not feel seen and heard by their adults is the #1 criteria. Regardless if you think you're listening to your kids, it is CRUCIAL you make sure they agree with you on that. If they do not, they are vulnerable. Period. He targeted boys who were showing that their communication and support systems were failing. He knew these kids would feel they had nowhere to turn, even if their parent perceived themselves to be a safe place.
It is imperative our kids do not feel misunderstood by us. Abusers will provide validation if we do not. Showing empathy even if you don't agree with their feelings shows them you are truly attentive and get the gist of their situation. The author provides examples of saying things like, "That must have been really hard," or, "I hear you saying ___."
The author, who is a therapist, says the best way we can encourage self-esteem is to raise kids who trust their own opinions. Giving them choices about things like what they wear to school and what they eat for dinner and what stories you read them before bed empowers them and gives them a sense of control over their lives. If they feel that confidence, an abuser cannot gain that initial control that is required. If your kid feels control and power over their own life, "The abuser's brand of false friendship will hold little charm or attraction." This man drew his victims into a false sense of intimacy because they felt powerless at home.
The author writes that it is important that we raise our kids to respect adult authority, but are not slaves to it. Our kids need to feel confident saying no to adults. "This means raising children with strong ego structures who will respect others because they themselves are respected, not children who obey out of fear or who hesitate to voice their opinions and concerns because they believe that as children, they will not be taken seriously."
She talks about secrecy vs. privacy. Chronic abuse cannot take place if there is no secrecy, but it is also important to honor their privacy. This can be a fine line, but she provides examples such as respecting their requests/desire for confidentiality, even if it doesn't make sense to you, and avoiding bribes and bargains. She also recommends showing a little vulnerability to them from time to time by asking their opinions on appropriate things. She says, "You don't need to compromise the boundaries of your role as a parent and protector by being a best friend, but you can let them know they are respected people, and celebrated individuals with needs, thoughts, andc opinions of their own."
I know this is a lot to take in and it was a lot to type. But I think this is information everyone should have access to, regardless if you're a reader or not, and regardless of you're willing to traumatize yourself by reading this or not.
Happy parenting! Stay safe.
TW: Child SA
I just finished this book I read so I can be better at my job. It was a really tough read and took me a very long time to finish because I needed a lot of breaks. While I don't recommend this book to anyone due to the graphic nature, there were some super important takeaways for parents I wanted to share so we can keep our kids safe and off of the radar for people like this. These are not my opinions or parenting advice, but this is what I learned and what I'm taking with me moving forward.
His first step was that he knew how to play the adults. He knew to appear indifferent to kids. In his letters to the author, he detailed how he made friends with people from his church who had sons, but paid little attention to them for a long time before he engaged with them at all. He eventually volunteered to help with the boy scouts. When they asked him to be the leader when the person he was assisting moved on, he said no repeatedly. He made them beg him to take over because the kids liked him and they couldn't find anyone else. When he finally agreed, everyone was relieved and happy he was in the position. He was extremely calculated in his manipulation of people like you and me to gain access to their kids.
Next was that he targeted kids who didn't FEEL seen or heard who had a shaky self-esteem and saw adults as absolute authority. So how do we raise kids who feel seen and heard by us, who have good self-esteem, and respect adults but feel confident to say no if they need to?
He said a child who does not feel seen and heard by their adults is the #1 criteria. Regardless if you think you're listening to your kids, it is CRUCIAL you make sure they agree with you on that. If they do not, they are vulnerable. Period. He targeted boys who were showing that their communication and support systems were failing. He knew these kids would feel they had nowhere to turn, even if their parent perceived themselves to be a safe place.
It is imperative our kids do not feel misunderstood by us. Abusers will provide validation if we do not. Showing empathy even if you don't agree with their feelings shows them you are truly attentive and get the gist of their situation. The author provides examples of saying things like, "That must have been really hard," or, "I hear you saying ___."
The author, who is a therapist, says the best way we can encourage self-esteem is to raise kids who trust their own opinions. Giving them choices about things like what they wear to school and what they eat for dinner and what stories you read them before bed empowers them and gives them a sense of control over their lives. If they feel that confidence, an abuser cannot gain that initial control that is required. If your kid feels control and power over their own life, "The abuser's brand of false friendship will hold little charm or attraction." This man drew his victims into a false sense of intimacy because they felt powerless at home.
The author writes that it is important that we raise our kids to respect adult authority, but are not slaves to it. Our kids need to feel confident saying no to adults. "This means raising children with strong ego structures who will respect others because they themselves are respected, not children who obey out of fear or who hesitate to voice their opinions and concerns because they believe that as children, they will not be taken seriously."
She talks about secrecy vs. privacy. Chronic abuse cannot take place if there is no secrecy, but it is also important to honor their privacy. This can be a fine line, but she provides examples such as respecting their requests/desire for confidentiality, even if it doesn't make sense to you, and avoiding bribes and bargains. She also recommends showing a little vulnerability to them from time to time by asking their opinions on appropriate things. She says, "You don't need to compromise the boundaries of your role as a parent and protector by being a best friend, but you can let them know they are respected people, and celebrated individuals with needs, thoughts, andc opinions of their own."
I know this is a lot to take in and it was a lot to type. But I think this is information everyone should have access to, regardless if you're a reader or not, and regardless of you're willing to traumatize yourself by reading this or not.
Happy parenting! Stay safe.
This entire review has been hidden because of spoilers.
November 5, 2011
El libro intenta ser un manual para evitar el abuso sexual infantil por medio de las palabras de una persona abusada y un abusador; aunque parece escrito con crudeza este tipo de hechos solo se pueden abordar de esta forma, ya que hay que estar preparados para evitar el abuso y no solamente detectarlo por lo cual creo que el libro si ayuda un poco sobre todo para conocer los pensamientos de aquellos que creen que estos actos indebidos son adecuados e incluso para ellos deberían ser permitidos.
Aunque creo que le falta información sobre todo para saber como abordar el tema no solo con niños para prevenirlo sino también con adultos para que sepan como prevenirlo, afrontarlo e incluso comprender y no estigmatizar ni a la víctima ni al victimario.
Aunque creo que le falta información sobre todo para saber como abordar el tema no solo con niños para prevenirlo sino también con adultos para que sepan como prevenirlo, afrontarlo e incluso comprender y no estigmatizar ni a la víctima ni al victimario.
December 13, 2014
What a fantastic book. I couldn't put it down. We cannot expect to address something if we can't understand it, and this book goes a long way to achieving that. The insights offered by Alan - despite being difficult to stomach - I think are crucial. Not only every parent needs to read this, WE owe it to children to read this book and take lessons from it.
February 24, 2018
Good to know
Revolting, but important. The main message is: connect with your child before some predator does. In the penultimate chapter it is hard to tell who's speaking.
Revolting, but important. The main message is: connect with your child before some predator does. In the penultimate chapter it is hard to tell who's speaking.
May 23, 2021
Dr Amy Zabin jest terapeutką, która dociera do ludzi za pomocą muzyki i w dzieciństwie była molestowana przez najbliższych – ojca i dziadka. Dzięki swojej pracy poznała Alana, który jest pedofilem i przez wiele lat krzywdził chłopców. Wspólnie postanowili przyjrzeć się bliżej mechanizmowi działania pedofilii i przekazać czytelnikom najistotniejsze zebrane przez nich fakty.
Książka ta jest zarazem osobistym rozprawieniem się autorki z przeszłością, jak i szansą na zadośćuczynienie ze strony Alana.
Cała pozycja prowadzona jest z perspektywy dwóch osób i dwóch opowiedzianych przez nich historii. Amy opowiada swoją z punktu widzenia ofiary a Alan swoją jako sprawca.
Zanim ta książka powstała autorka przez wiele lat korespondowała z Alenem, aby uzyskać jak najprawdziwszy obraz pedofilii, która do teraz jest uznawana za temat tabu i zrzucana na dalszy plan.
Wielu rodziców myśli sobie, że pedofilia jest straszna, że okropne jest, w jaki sposób dorośli krzywdzą dzieci, ale gdzieś tam z tyłu głowy zawsze mają myśl, że przecież ich dzieci to nie dotyczy. Często nie zdają sobie sprawy w jakim są błędzie i co ukrywają przed nimi ich własne dzieci.
Zarówno dr Amy jak i Alan zwracają uwagę na jedną dość istotną rzecz – ofiarami pedofilii często zostają dzieci słabe, które w domu nie mogą liczyć na zainteresowanie i prawdziwą rozmowę, które czują, że to, co przeżywają i czym się interesują jest mało istotne. W ten sposób stają się dla pedofilów naprawdę łatwymi potencjalnymi ofiarami. Pedofil zawsze zainteresuje się rozmową z dzieckiem i będzie go naprawdę słuchał, będzie liczył się z jego zdaniem i opinią, co dzieciom będzie bardzo schlebiać. A jeśli rodzice takiego zainteresowania nie wykazują, to przecież nie o wszystkim muszą im mówić. Tak rozpoczyna się błędne koło, z którego bardzo trudno dziecku później się uwolnić.
Pozycja ta obfituje w wiele opisów Alana, w jaki sposób budował zaufanie swoich ofiar a także w kilku rozdziałach szczegółowo opisuje, do czego się posuwał i jakich czynów dokonywał. Zwracał też uwagę, że z każdym kolejnym zaspokojeniem swoich seksualnych fantazji musiał wymyślać kolejne, gdyż poprzednie już go nie fascynowały w ten sam sposób.
Pozycję tę polecam dosłownie każdemu. Myślę, że warto przede wszystkim zdobyć te wszystkie informacje, aby zmienić również swój sposób myślenia. Jedną rzeczą, która bardzo mnie zaskoczyła było to, że pedofilia jest chorobą, którą można leczyć, i że istnieje lek, który naprawdę pomaga walczyć z fantazjami seksualnymi, o czym nie miałam pojęcia.
Trudno mi ocenić tę książkę, ale myślę, że przede wszystkim szczery przekaz, przystępny język i naprawdę ogrom informacji pozwalają mi stwierdzić, że jest to pozycja bardzo wartościowa i cieszę się, że mogłam się z nią zapoznać.
Dziękuję wydawnictwu Media Rodzina za egzemplarz do recenzji.
Książka ta jest zarazem osobistym rozprawieniem się autorki z przeszłością, jak i szansą na zadośćuczynienie ze strony Alana.
Cała pozycja prowadzona jest z perspektywy dwóch osób i dwóch opowiedzianych przez nich historii. Amy opowiada swoją z punktu widzenia ofiary a Alan swoją jako sprawca.
Zanim ta książka powstała autorka przez wiele lat korespondowała z Alenem, aby uzyskać jak najprawdziwszy obraz pedofilii, która do teraz jest uznawana za temat tabu i zrzucana na dalszy plan.
Wielu rodziców myśli sobie, że pedofilia jest straszna, że okropne jest, w jaki sposób dorośli krzywdzą dzieci, ale gdzieś tam z tyłu głowy zawsze mają myśl, że przecież ich dzieci to nie dotyczy. Często nie zdają sobie sprawy w jakim są błędzie i co ukrywają przed nimi ich własne dzieci.
Zarówno dr Amy jak i Alan zwracają uwagę na jedną dość istotną rzecz – ofiarami pedofilii często zostają dzieci słabe, które w domu nie mogą liczyć na zainteresowanie i prawdziwą rozmowę, które czują, że to, co przeżywają i czym się interesują jest mało istotne. W ten sposób stają się dla pedofilów naprawdę łatwymi potencjalnymi ofiarami. Pedofil zawsze zainteresuje się rozmową z dzieckiem i będzie go naprawdę słuchał, będzie liczył się z jego zdaniem i opinią, co dzieciom będzie bardzo schlebiać. A jeśli rodzice takiego zainteresowania nie wykazują, to przecież nie o wszystkim muszą im mówić. Tak rozpoczyna się błędne koło, z którego bardzo trudno dziecku później się uwolnić.
Pozycja ta obfituje w wiele opisów Alana, w jaki sposób budował zaufanie swoich ofiar a także w kilku rozdziałach szczegółowo opisuje, do czego się posuwał i jakich czynów dokonywał. Zwracał też uwagę, że z każdym kolejnym zaspokojeniem swoich seksualnych fantazji musiał wymyślać kolejne, gdyż poprzednie już go nie fascynowały w ten sam sposób.
Pozycję tę polecam dosłownie każdemu. Myślę, że warto przede wszystkim zdobyć te wszystkie informacje, aby zmienić również swój sposób myślenia. Jedną rzeczą, która bardzo mnie zaskoczyła było to, że pedofilia jest chorobą, którą można leczyć, i że istnieje lek, który naprawdę pomaga walczyć z fantazjami seksualnymi, o czym nie miałam pojęcia.
Trudno mi ocenić tę książkę, ale myślę, że przede wszystkim szczery przekaz, przystępny język i naprawdę ogrom informacji pozwalają mi stwierdzić, że jest to pozycja bardzo wartościowa i cieszę się, że mogłam się z nią zapoznać.
Dziękuję wydawnictwu Media Rodzina za egzemplarz do recenzji.
February 16, 2022
" Dzisiaj, kiedy słyszę, ja ktoś używa określenia "niewinny sekret", wzdrygam się, bo nie ma czegoś takiego. Niewinność i skrytość są wzajemnie wykluczającymi się stanami i jedyną sytuacją, w której zdają się występować łącznie, jest ta, gdy jeden z nich wykorzystuje je dla zniszczenia drugiego."
Ta książka to zdecydowanie mój faworyt tego roku! Od pierwszych stron autorka zabrała mnie w mroczną przygodę po zakamarkach umysłu pedofila, ale również jednej z ofiar przemocy seksualnej. Sama autorka została wykorzystana przez swojego dziadka i ojca, gdy była mała. Nie dostała odpowiedniej pomocy ze strony matki, która wiedziała o problemie małej dziewczynki, ale wypierała go jak najbardziej mogła. Autorka jest terapeutką i na drodze swojej kariery spotkała pedofila, który wykorzystał seksualnie około 1000 dzieci. To właśnie przed nią zdecydował się opowiedzieć swoją historię, aby uświadomić rodzicom jak mogą uchronić swoje dziecko przed takimi zachowaniami. Bardzo podobało mi się w tej książce to, że autorka przeplatała dwie historie: pedofila oraz ofiary. Pomimo, że nie są oni powiązani ze sobą to połączyła ich miłość to muzyki( autorka prowadziła muzykoterapie). Alan zabiera nas w podróż po jego dzieciństwie ukazując przy tym wszystkie problemy pojawiające się w jego dzieciństwie i to jaki miały wpływ na ukształtowanie w nim zachowań odchodzących od normy. Alan już od wczesnych lat molestował mniejszych chłopców, był nadmiernie zainteresowany seksem oraz onanizował się codziennie. Z czasem te małe występki przerodziły się w przestępstwa, a Alan miał schemat według, którego postępował ze swoimi potencjalnymi ofiarami. Niektóre opisy w książce były drastyczne i budziły we mnie naprawdę skrajne emocje, ale mężczyzna sam uważał, że to on jest ofiarą, bo takie poczucie wykształciła w nim matka od młodych lat.
Autorka w swoich rozdziałach przeplata swoją historię wykorzystywania seksualnego przez ojca i dziadka, ale również dodaje komentarze do historii Alana. Czasami ukazuje psychologiczne rozwiązania lub nazywa pewne teorie manipulacji powodując scalanie się tych historii w jedną całość. Najsmutniejszy był fakt, że sama terapeutka nie pamiętała, że była wykorzystywana w dzieciństwie, ponieważ jej wyparcie było tak silne. Dopiero długa terapia pomogła jej zniwelować część jej problemów, które spowodował dziadek i ojciec.
Książka ukazuje w jaki sposób działają pedofile, jak czuje się ofiara w trakcie wykorzystywania seksualnego jak i wiele lat po nim oraz w jaki sposób my: rodzice, rodzina, społeczeństwo możemy zapobiec wykorzystywaniu dzieciom. Alan zaznaczył, że do jego przestępstw nie doszłoby gdyby rodzice potrafili komunikować się ze swoim dzieckiem i gdyby ono czuło potrzebę silnej więzi z rodzicami. Niech historia Alana i Amy stanie się dla nas przestrogą, aby chronić nasze dzieci i zapobiegać pewnym wydarzeniom ku przestrodze.
Ta książka to zdecydowanie mój faworyt tego roku! Od pierwszych stron autorka zabrała mnie w mroczną przygodę po zakamarkach umysłu pedofila, ale również jednej z ofiar przemocy seksualnej. Sama autorka została wykorzystana przez swojego dziadka i ojca, gdy była mała. Nie dostała odpowiedniej pomocy ze strony matki, która wiedziała o problemie małej dziewczynki, ale wypierała go jak najbardziej mogła. Autorka jest terapeutką i na drodze swojej kariery spotkała pedofila, który wykorzystał seksualnie około 1000 dzieci. To właśnie przed nią zdecydował się opowiedzieć swoją historię, aby uświadomić rodzicom jak mogą uchronić swoje dziecko przed takimi zachowaniami. Bardzo podobało mi się w tej książce to, że autorka przeplatała dwie historie: pedofila oraz ofiary. Pomimo, że nie są oni powiązani ze sobą to połączyła ich miłość to muzyki( autorka prowadziła muzykoterapie). Alan zabiera nas w podróż po jego dzieciństwie ukazując przy tym wszystkie problemy pojawiające się w jego dzieciństwie i to jaki miały wpływ na ukształtowanie w nim zachowań odchodzących od normy. Alan już od wczesnych lat molestował mniejszych chłopców, był nadmiernie zainteresowany seksem oraz onanizował się codziennie. Z czasem te małe występki przerodziły się w przestępstwa, a Alan miał schemat według, którego postępował ze swoimi potencjalnymi ofiarami. Niektóre opisy w książce były drastyczne i budziły we mnie naprawdę skrajne emocje, ale mężczyzna sam uważał, że to on jest ofiarą, bo takie poczucie wykształciła w nim matka od młodych lat.
Autorka w swoich rozdziałach przeplata swoją historię wykorzystywania seksualnego przez ojca i dziadka, ale również dodaje komentarze do historii Alana. Czasami ukazuje psychologiczne rozwiązania lub nazywa pewne teorie manipulacji powodując scalanie się tych historii w jedną całość. Najsmutniejszy był fakt, że sama terapeutka nie pamiętała, że była wykorzystywana w dzieciństwie, ponieważ jej wyparcie było tak silne. Dopiero długa terapia pomogła jej zniwelować część jej problemów, które spowodował dziadek i ojciec.
Książka ukazuje w jaki sposób działają pedofile, jak czuje się ofiara w trakcie wykorzystywania seksualnego jak i wiele lat po nim oraz w jaki sposób my: rodzice, rodzina, społeczeństwo możemy zapobiec wykorzystywaniu dzieciom. Alan zaznaczył, że do jego przestępstw nie doszłoby gdyby rodzice potrafili komunikować się ze swoim dzieckiem i gdyby ono czuło potrzebę silnej więzi z rodzicami. Niech historia Alana i Amy stanie się dla nas przestrogą, aby chronić nasze dzieci i zapobiegać pewnym wydarzeniom ku przestrodze.
September 5, 2013
I found this book to be more educational (which I guess was kind of its purpose?) but not very entertaining. The author dedicates some chapters to herself and the abuse she suffered as a child and its effects as she grew up, and to be honest, I could've done without them. Le sigh, it was alright.
September 7, 2016
El testimonio de Alan es demoledor. Leer cada una de esas líneas es descorazonador. Constantemente planea la sensación de que el horror no alcanza el fondo.
Un libro necesario.
Un libro necesario.
August 31, 2019
I think this is an excellent resource---for sexual assault/abuse survivors, for psychotherapists and parents, and for abusers who are ready to seek help.
December 2, 2020
Tough read but gives a very good insight into the minds of the most corrupt.
June 21, 2021
Very interesting perspective having both a victim of sexual abuse and a perpetrator of abuse. One of the most thorough and most horrifying books I’ve read on the subject.
Read
April 17, 2024this book is really really really disgusting and disturbing and has very frank descriptions of sexual abuse of children, including the grooming process. the pedophile was a boy scout leader and active member of the church and community and was friends with all of his victims parents, to the point where the fathers were driving and dropping them off to be abused unknowingly. it was interesting to read how the children were scared, but mostly scared of people finding out, which is why the offender escalated to photographing his victims because he knew that was what they feared most.
the offender was abusing boys by the time he was 7 up until he was arrested, which is terrifying. he did not seem to have a good home life, but while i definitely don’t feel any sort of pity for him, his life from the age of 7 was entirely consumed with sexual perversion.
the book kind of goes in a weird direction, in my opinion, when they start talking about how life imprisonment for pedophiles would just mean that offenders will murder their victims? but i guess they make the point that offenders should be physically castrated, which i agree with.
the main take aways are: don’t let your kids be alone with adults (the author doesn’t explicitly state this but reading how he groomed his victims solidified it for me), don’t keep secrets from your kids and don’t let them keep secrets from you, listen to your children and make them feel important, and communicate. and pay attention to abnormal sexual behaviours, which can indicate that they may be a victim or go on to abuse children themselves. some people act like it’s fear mongering to be vigilant towards children and preventing sexual abuse, but like the book says: it’s better to be seen as over protective and cautious than to be like the parents of the offenders victims, who were inviting him over for drinks while he ran off to the bathroom to molest their sons.
the last line of this book actually made me nauseous. BLEGH. really depressing, i need a shower.
the offender was abusing boys by the time he was 7 up until he was arrested, which is terrifying. he did not seem to have a good home life, but while i definitely don’t feel any sort of pity for him, his life from the age of 7 was entirely consumed with sexual perversion.
the book kind of goes in a weird direction, in my opinion, when they start talking about how life imprisonment for pedophiles would just mean that offenders will murder their victims? but i guess they make the point that offenders should be physically castrated, which i agree with.
the main take aways are: don’t let your kids be alone with adults (the author doesn’t explicitly state this but reading how he groomed his victims solidified it for me), don’t keep secrets from your kids and don’t let them keep secrets from you, listen to your children and make them feel important, and communicate. and pay attention to abnormal sexual behaviours, which can indicate that they may be a victim or go on to abuse children themselves. some people act like it’s fear mongering to be vigilant towards children and preventing sexual abuse, but like the book says: it’s better to be seen as over protective and cautious than to be like the parents of the offenders victims, who were inviting him over for drinks while he ran off to the bathroom to molest their sons.
the last line of this book actually made me nauseous. BLEGH. really depressing, i need a shower.
This entire review has been hidden because of spoilers.
December 27, 2023
This book discussed one of the most debatable and controversial subjects within society.
Just like any other mental disorder, pedophilia is very complex regarding its causes and it’s nature. As psychology student who has done much research on pedophilia, I feel that the author didn’t acknowledge other experiences of pedophiles, such as those who have never offended. Additionally, there was an extreme focus on the environmental contribution to pedophilia, but did not discuss other notable research regarding the biological contribution to pedophilia.
Despite this, this book is a 5 star book which I read in 2 days as it was so interesting and captivating. Regardless of one’s personal stance towards pedophilia and their consequences, this book truly let you deeply reflect on this matter and view it from a slightly different perspective. Whether a parent or not; a perpetrator or not; or a victim or not; I think everyone should read this book as it is very informative and eye opening in many different ways. This book did not only allow me to consider pedophilia from a different viewpoint, but also helped me look at many other controversial or difficult topics in a different viewpoint
Just like any other mental disorder, pedophilia is very complex regarding its causes and it’s nature. As psychology student who has done much research on pedophilia, I feel that the author didn’t acknowledge other experiences of pedophiles, such as those who have never offended. Additionally, there was an extreme focus on the environmental contribution to pedophilia, but did not discuss other notable research regarding the biological contribution to pedophilia.
Despite this, this book is a 5 star book which I read in 2 days as it was so interesting and captivating. Regardless of one’s personal stance towards pedophilia and their consequences, this book truly let you deeply reflect on this matter and view it from a slightly different perspective. Whether a parent or not; a perpetrator or not; or a victim or not; I think everyone should read this book as it is very informative and eye opening in many different ways. This book did not only allow me to consider pedophilia from a different viewpoint, but also helped me look at many other controversial or difficult topics in a different viewpoint
October 14, 2020
I know this is THE subject no one wants to talk about. But keep in mind that if we continue to live in denial, the children will continue to be at risk.
* “Like a survivor, the offender’s struggle is continual and tough. And while I don’t mean to make a comparison between the suffering of the innocent survivors and the hardships of the offenders, I do want to let you know that when we decide to fight the monsters in our mental closet, it’s one hell of a fight”.
* “I believe that the answer, if there really is such a thing, lies in helping the offender deal with and control his sickness and spending a much greater amount of time working to educate children as a means of providing them with the type of self-confidence, knowledge, and skills needed to avoid being entrapped by someone like me”.
* “Like a survivor, the offender’s struggle is continual and tough. And while I don’t mean to make a comparison between the suffering of the innocent survivors and the hardships of the offenders, I do want to let you know that when we decide to fight the monsters in our mental closet, it’s one hell of a fight”.
* “I believe that the answer, if there really is such a thing, lies in helping the offender deal with and control his sickness and spending a much greater amount of time working to educate children as a means of providing them with the type of self-confidence, knowledge, and skills needed to avoid being entrapped by someone like me”.
September 18, 2021
I read the dutch translation of this book.
It helped me understand a bit more how manupulative people go to work.
And maked me curious to read more about it.
Hopefully one day I can understand those kind a people better.
So I don't have to be afraid for them anymore...
And can trust other people again :)
It helped me understand a bit more how manupulative people go to work.
And maked me curious to read more about it.
Hopefully one day I can understand those kind a people better.
So I don't have to be afraid for them anymore...
And can trust other people again :)
July 31, 2022
Definitely a hard read. I did so in very small increments, but it sheds light on helpful tips to help your child not fall prey to pedophiles. This also sheds light on the broken system when it comes to treating pedophila as a disease that needs treatment.
August 2, 2022
An uncomfortable, often horrifying (though not sensational) direct account of the methodology employed by a pedophile over the course of decades. Every person responsible for the safety of a child should read this.
January 28, 2021
For the book that I am currently writing, this book has been an asset. The candidness of both the author who reveals her abuse and the pedophile’s admissions, there is much to learn.
July 1, 2022
Must read for Parents.
Must read for any Parent out there! Informative and detailed, terribly sad but enlightening. I'm glad to have read it and will recommend it to others.
Must read for any Parent out there! Informative and detailed, terribly sad but enlightening. I'm glad to have read it and will recommend it to others.
October 25, 2022
Another eye opening book that many have to read.
June 9, 2023
Útil para aprender a estar alerta. Da demasiadas alertas y señales de como reconocer a un pederasta. Brutal en todo sentido.
May 8, 2018
This is a hard book to read because its subject is so uncomfortable. Amy Hammel-Zabin is tragically qualified to write about it: she was the victim of pedophilia from both her father and grandfather. She grew up to be a musical therapist, which is how she met Alan, a prison inmate who was also the victim of pedophilia who grew up to become one himself. Her book does an excellent job profiling both Amy and Alan's lives, seeking to explain how people can develop so differently, and begin to answer why victims of this horrible crime so often grow up to commit it.
The hard truth is that pedophilia is such a problem because we refuse to face it as a culture. It's so awful that people don't want to think about it, which leads them to be unprepared to notice it's happening. In one candid section, Alan points out that he would have been stopped far earlier if parents had looked at the powerful dynamics he pushed children into, rather than just thinking about it as sex. It's difficult to get hard data on this, but at least one third of victims of pedophilia go on to become sexual predators. The same lack of attention leaves parents and guardians ill-equipped to give children the care they need to avoid such fates.
Early on, the major signifier is that no one regulated Alan's impulses. He lacked parental figures who would stop him from acting out, and was able to hide his desires from others, until age thirteen when he was able to target other children efficiently. His accounts are disgusting, but they read as honest both in their lack of shame and lack of glamour. If he isn't truly penitent (he claims to be, and Amy believes him), he is at least open about how he developed, even at as early as seven years old when he'd been molested so often that he began modeling the behavior of his abusers, and no longer enjoying games or fantasies outside of how it would let him have pleasure at the expense of others. His later chapters are particularly disgusting, although it's simultaneously important to read how he profiled both children and parents in order to create circles of unquestioning trust.
Whereas Amy (Hammel-Zabin refers to herself as 'Amy' throughout the book) had the additionally tragic factor of a mother who was unaware of what else was going on, and who viciously shamed her for acting out. Amy admits to an incident of getting a boy into fondling when she was very small, and her mother freaked out. While you wish someone had understood her and been on her side, this very activity seems to be all that stopped her from growing into an adult abuser like Alan. She is equally honest in how it ruined her sexuality for the rest of her life, and how she is still traumatized decades later. It's why she wrote this book, and why it's important for us to foster a culture where we can find and help victims earlier.
With that life experience, it's understandable that Amy takes alarmist positions. She blames sexually explicit music for contributing to pedophilia, particularly in cases where children are the offenders, but does not cite any studies. She cites a study that claims each pedophile has around 250 victims. In my own research since reading the book, I've found fewer studies and meta-data reports than make me comfortable with such claims, including reports that perhaps 3 in 10 offenders have multiple victims. But one of my Math teachers in Middle School turned out to be a pedophile who targeted students, and from horror stories like the Catholic Church scandal, we know that extremely prolific pedophiles are out there.
As a book for opening our compassion and understanding, it's extremely important. The closing chapters are earnest advice on how adults can better protect their children, and how to better understand them in case the worst happens. It's something you hope you'll never have to confront.
The hard truth is that pedophilia is such a problem because we refuse to face it as a culture. It's so awful that people don't want to think about it, which leads them to be unprepared to notice it's happening. In one candid section, Alan points out that he would have been stopped far earlier if parents had looked at the powerful dynamics he pushed children into, rather than just thinking about it as sex. It's difficult to get hard data on this, but at least one third of victims of pedophilia go on to become sexual predators. The same lack of attention leaves parents and guardians ill-equipped to give children the care they need to avoid such fates.
Early on, the major signifier is that no one regulated Alan's impulses. He lacked parental figures who would stop him from acting out, and was able to hide his desires from others, until age thirteen when he was able to target other children efficiently. His accounts are disgusting, but they read as honest both in their lack of shame and lack of glamour. If he isn't truly penitent (he claims to be, and Amy believes him), he is at least open about how he developed, even at as early as seven years old when he'd been molested so often that he began modeling the behavior of his abusers, and no longer enjoying games or fantasies outside of how it would let him have pleasure at the expense of others. His later chapters are particularly disgusting, although it's simultaneously important to read how he profiled both children and parents in order to create circles of unquestioning trust.
Whereas Amy (Hammel-Zabin refers to herself as 'Amy' throughout the book) had the additionally tragic factor of a mother who was unaware of what else was going on, and who viciously shamed her for acting out. Amy admits to an incident of getting a boy into fondling when she was very small, and her mother freaked out. While you wish someone had understood her and been on her side, this very activity seems to be all that stopped her from growing into an adult abuser like Alan. She is equally honest in how it ruined her sexuality for the rest of her life, and how she is still traumatized decades later. It's why she wrote this book, and why it's important for us to foster a culture where we can find and help victims earlier.
With that life experience, it's understandable that Amy takes alarmist positions. She blames sexually explicit music for contributing to pedophilia, particularly in cases where children are the offenders, but does not cite any studies. She cites a study that claims each pedophile has around 250 victims. In my own research since reading the book, I've found fewer studies and meta-data reports than make me comfortable with such claims, including reports that perhaps 3 in 10 offenders have multiple victims. But one of my Math teachers in Middle School turned out to be a pedophile who targeted students, and from horror stories like the Catholic Church scandal, we know that extremely prolific pedophiles are out there.
As a book for opening our compassion and understanding, it's extremely important. The closing chapters are earnest advice on how adults can better protect their children, and how to better understand them in case the worst happens. It's something you hope you'll never have to confront.
February 24, 2016
This is not the kind of book that you can discuss your feelings about with friends. Or even, unless you're a psychologist of some kind, put on your shelf facing outward. This is unfortunate, because it is a deeply powerful book.
I was originally seeking criminology books to support fiction I am working on, specifically a book on criminal sexual psychology that was accessible to a layman and told in-depth about a perpetrator's psychology. This book not only gave me information that I needed, but so much more.
The author completely amazed me; she not only has the courage to explain and confront her own abuse (already an extraordinary show of courage) in a published book, but she even has the courage to empathize with a pedophile. It was the courage and strength of empathy in this book which made it, I thought, truly unique.
Most react immediately with anger and wrath when considering pedophiles. There is no want to understand this condition; the anger even extends to anyone who would attempt to do so. However, this reaction, which the author notes, is one of the reasons that this abuse continues. You cannot solve what you refuse to understand or acknowledge.
I never wanted to share even an academic attempt at understanding this pathology, much less an empathetic one. The author, who has been a childhood victim herself, treats this convicted pedophile, a man that has sexually abused hundreds of boys, as a person. She proves that empathy and an attempt to understand a person, in any form, is not evil. That was one of the many rare and valuable lessons in this book.
The pedophile, under pseudonym "Alan," writes of his chilling fantasies and calculating plans--and then actions--about abusing young boys which, for many readers, might be simply too lurid. The author does warn the reader about these sections, however, and how to skip them without affecting the rest of the reading. These passages certainly strain the most earnest attempt to understand this pathology, but the author mitigates feelings of anger and outrage in the reader with tempered understanding and intelligent discussion.
This books takes an authentic (and accessible) look at understanding pedophiles and understanding the abuse, in the interest of genuinely stopping this from continuing--a look that few others seem to attempt.
I was originally seeking criminology books to support fiction I am working on, specifically a book on criminal sexual psychology that was accessible to a layman and told in-depth about a perpetrator's psychology. This book not only gave me information that I needed, but so much more.
The author completely amazed me; she not only has the courage to explain and confront her own abuse (already an extraordinary show of courage) in a published book, but she even has the courage to empathize with a pedophile. It was the courage and strength of empathy in this book which made it, I thought, truly unique.
Most react immediately with anger and wrath when considering pedophiles. There is no want to understand this condition; the anger even extends to anyone who would attempt to do so. However, this reaction, which the author notes, is one of the reasons that this abuse continues. You cannot solve what you refuse to understand or acknowledge.
I never wanted to share even an academic attempt at understanding this pathology, much less an empathetic one. The author, who has been a childhood victim herself, treats this convicted pedophile, a man that has sexually abused hundreds of boys, as a person. She proves that empathy and an attempt to understand a person, in any form, is not evil. That was one of the many rare and valuable lessons in this book.
The pedophile, under pseudonym "Alan," writes of his chilling fantasies and calculating plans--and then actions--about abusing young boys which, for many readers, might be simply too lurid. The author does warn the reader about these sections, however, and how to skip them without affecting the rest of the reading. These passages certainly strain the most earnest attempt to understand this pathology, but the author mitigates feelings of anger and outrage in the reader with tempered understanding and intelligent discussion.
This books takes an authentic (and accessible) look at understanding pedophiles and understanding the abuse, in the interest of genuinely stopping this from continuing--a look that few others seem to attempt.
April 30, 2013
youth trips, etc.
I felt the entire spectrum of emotions as I read this book, especially anger, at first, as I realized that Dr Zabin was going to give a pedophile credibility. But her own contributions to the text calmed me down. She, and even Alan himself (the pedophile who tells his tale), are very clear that what he did was damaging and wrong. Alan never excuses himself. Indeed, in many ways he was quite articulate about showing how horrible his actions have been. And Dr Zabin is clear about articulating the suffering of those who have been molested.
The value of this book is that Alan does show you, the reader, how he got away with what he did for so long: crimes of pedophilia that continued for decades. And he does show the reader how subtle, manipulative, and persistent pedophiles are. I don't think normal people even think like Alan thinks, and so his guide to how he operated for so long without ever being detected is a real eye-opener. You will definitely benefit from this book if you have children in your care, because Alan clearly shows you how minutely a skilled pedophile will learn your thinking and behaviors in order to get at a child.
On the down side, it's clear to me that Alan editorializes a bit, and even though his account of how he got children seems clear and true, I have no doubt that he is telling his story, his way, to suit himself. In the end, even though Alan never excuses himself, he also never reveals remorse or repentance. I think he is a pedophile who has gotten as close to normal as he can pretend to be. Intellectually he knows that what he did was wrong, and he assents to that verdict. But in terms of compassion and empathy---those are still reserved in his mind for himself, exclusively, and not his victims.
I felt the entire spectrum of emotions as I read this book, especially anger, at first, as I realized that Dr Zabin was going to give a pedophile credibility. But her own contributions to the text calmed me down. She, and even Alan himself (the pedophile who tells his tale), are very clear that what he did was damaging and wrong. Alan never excuses himself. Indeed, in many ways he was quite articulate about showing how horrible his actions have been. And Dr Zabin is clear about articulating the suffering of those who have been molested.
The value of this book is that Alan does show you, the reader, how he got away with what he did for so long: crimes of pedophilia that continued for decades. And he does show the reader how subtle, manipulative, and persistent pedophiles are. I don't think normal people even think like Alan thinks, and so his guide to how he operated for so long without ever being detected is a real eye-opener. You will definitely benefit from this book if you have children in your care, because Alan clearly shows you how minutely a skilled pedophile will learn your thinking and behaviors in order to get at a child.
On the down side, it's clear to me that Alan editorializes a bit, and even though his account of how he got children seems clear and true, I have no doubt that he is telling his story, his way, to suit himself. In the end, even though Alan never excuses himself, he also never reveals remorse or repentance. I think he is a pedophile who has gotten as close to normal as he can pretend to be. Intellectually he knows that what he did was wrong, and he assents to that verdict. But in terms of compassion and empathy---those are still reserved in his mind for himself, exclusively, and not his victims.
September 25, 2009
I think I'd give this more of a 3.5 than a 3 but I keep going back and forth with myself on that. I can't help but take this whole book with a grain of salt because, after all, these are the words of a convicted pedophile. The fact that he's in prison for the rest of his life with no possibilty of parole doesn't mean, to me, that he's automatically going to be honest. He could still have hope of getting out- especially if he's performing some type of help to the world at large.
I think for the most part it was a fairly honest portrayal of himself but one always has to wonder. This isn't an in depth look at his actual crimes although he does go into a few of them to a degree that it's unsettling to say the least. He tries to explain the mentality of a pedophile, what can be done before someone gets to that point, how to protect your children, what to look for, how, if possible, to rehabilitate, etc.
Hammel-Zabin seems to take his every word as if it's bible and I have a huge problem with that. I don't care if she's known him since they were babies, he's still capable, very capable as he's proven, of lying and getting over on people. He may very well not be doing that here and now but how can I know that? How can she know that?
I think for the most part it's a decent look into the mind of an offender. It's lets the reader know what might possibly be going on in the mind of the person offending. It's scary- no doubt about that but worth reading I think.
I think for the most part it was a fairly honest portrayal of himself but one always has to wonder. This isn't an in depth look at his actual crimes although he does go into a few of them to a degree that it's unsettling to say the least. He tries to explain the mentality of a pedophile, what can be done before someone gets to that point, how to protect your children, what to look for, how, if possible, to rehabilitate, etc.
Hammel-Zabin seems to take his every word as if it's bible and I have a huge problem with that. I don't care if she's known him since they were babies, he's still capable, very capable as he's proven, of lying and getting over on people. He may very well not be doing that here and now but how can I know that? How can she know that?
I think for the most part it's a decent look into the mind of an offender. It's lets the reader know what might possibly be going on in the mind of the person offending. It's scary- no doubt about that but worth reading I think.
December 4, 2014
Upon finishing the book this morning, it is clear to me that I have developed a brand new perspective on pedophilia and I've realized that child sexual abuse is almost never discussed as honestly or openly as it really should be. Child sexual abuse, as an act, should be taboo, but child sexual abuse, as a topic, should not. I feel that so many parents, caregivers, and children are missing out on some very important, empowering conversations. I believe that Amy (the author) and 'Alan' (the pedophile) are both correct in stating that keeping silent about this topic helps no one but the offenders. Communication is crucial.
Although this book contains some graphic content (about as much as I expected) and there were times when I found myself questioning Alan's true motives for sharing his experiences and advice, it really is filled with a ton of great information (and at only 233 pages, it's a pretty quick read). I would eagerly recommend this book to ALL parents and educators, as well as anyone who is interested in psychology, sexuality, or prison studies. I certainly know a lot more now about pedophilia and child sexual abuse than I did a few weeks ago and I feel much better equipped to prevent this type of abuse from happening.
Although this book contains some graphic content (about as much as I expected) and there were times when I found myself questioning Alan's true motives for sharing his experiences and advice, it really is filled with a ton of great information (and at only 233 pages, it's a pretty quick read). I would eagerly recommend this book to ALL parents and educators, as well as anyone who is interested in psychology, sexuality, or prison studies. I certainly know a lot more now about pedophilia and child sexual abuse than I did a few weeks ago and I feel much better equipped to prevent this type of abuse from happening.
January 31, 2016
This book was originally suggested to me by my applied parenting professor. When given the opportunity to read it for my human sexuality class I figured I would be able to kill two birds with one stone; learning how to better protect my children against abuse, and learn more about the drives and psychology behind pedophilia, it being one of the most taboo sexual conditions.
The conclusion section of this book really did give great advice for parents. The author covers child empowerment, secrecy vs privacy, the open door policy, ask and be told, pay attention, try to understand, and trust your gut. Her advice was simple, straight forward. Having read this book I really do feel more confident in protecting my children.
Although the chapters that focused more on the drives and psychology behind pedophilia were informative, I would have liked a deeper analysis from a psychologist backing up the claims made.
Why 3 stars? Chapters 17-19 made me physically sick. For me, 4 stars means I would highly recommend a book. These three chapters stand in the way of me recommending this book to the general public.
The conclusion section of this book really did give great advice for parents. The author covers child empowerment, secrecy vs privacy, the open door policy, ask and be told, pay attention, try to understand, and trust your gut. Her advice was simple, straight forward. Having read this book I really do feel more confident in protecting my children.
Although the chapters that focused more on the drives and psychology behind pedophilia were informative, I would have liked a deeper analysis from a psychologist backing up the claims made.
Why 3 stars? Chapters 17-19 made me physically sick. For me, 4 stars means I would highly recommend a book. These three chapters stand in the way of me recommending this book to the general public.
May 13, 2014
Important read. Can't say much more. Just read it that's all. Just one note : the writer and Alan are both obsessed with the term "Control". They could've used the term "power" when describing why Alan did what he did. Because it's not because you have control that you necessarily feel a rush of emotion. (I control my car when going to work, but don't feel any good feelings). It's because you're feeling powerfull/skilled. Just like an hockey player feels strong when scoring an insane goal. He had control over the puck, sure, but, mostly, he proved he was better at hockey than anyone during that moment. The others looked weak compared to him.
Want to read
May 29, 2008I was watching Montel today off n on and saw a lady terribly abused as a child describing this book she wrote. She spoke in a very intriguing tone. She is beautiful and intelligent and has a good sense of humor. I am looking forward to reading this.
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