I’ll be honest: porn has historically always given me the ick just a little. Growing up as a Millennial, my first experiences of porn were I’m sure similar to most women my age: degrading, kind of gross, and unsurprisingly, designed for men – never me.
These first impressions shaped my relationship with porn for a long time: the likes of Pornhub made me feel extremely uncomfortable (rather than turned on), and as a proud feminist, I struggled to mesh my morals and ideals along with my need to be sexually gratified through this type of graphic content.
I also suffer from something called ‘silly little lover girl syndrome’: as someone who’s a hopeless romantic (I blame the rom-coms of the nineties), I like my content to have a story and often a romance angle in order to enjoy it. And traditional porn produced through a male gaze? This has just never cut it.
But things have changed over the years; there is so much more variety now, with porn for women specifically actually being a thing. As a result our relationship with the production of adult content has continued to evolve. For this reason, I truly believe it is possible to feel empowered through porn, if you know the kind to invest in and support – as well as the mindset to be in for it.
“I help to give women permission to explore and seek the pleasure they want.”
A short history of women and porn
As mentioned, it’s a commonly acknowledged fact that traditionally, porn has been designed through the male gaze (production and distribution of porn by male producers and directors), for the male gaze (the focus on male pleasure and gratification). This has often meant it has objectified women in a degrading, exploitative manner, at odds with women’s own desires and needs. Dark, taboo fetishes have been given more airtime than they should, including male violence and ‘rape fantasies', while porn for women and the female gaze is much harder to find.
Indeed, one study indicated that of 304 scenes from popular porn videos analysed, 88.2% contained physical violence or aggression, while 48.7% contained verbal aggression. “Perpetrators of aggression were usually male, whereas targets of aggression were overwhelmingly female,” the study found.
It was also reported that in 2020, Pornhub banned unverified video clips, deleting more than 10 million from the site, when Visa, Mastercard and Discover suspended payment processing services following claims an investigation had discovered illicit and exploitative content that included videos depicting trafficking, abuse, and underage sex.
It’d be remiss not to link this type of on-screen content with an increase in IRL violence; violent porn can only reinforce dangerous stereotypes and narratives, encouraging men from a young age to engage in ‘rough sex’ and violence more commonly in their everyday life.
“Porn has traditionally been aimed at the male gaze, with more men historically having ease of access to online imagery,” says Anna Richards, Sex Expert and Founder of ethical sex platform Frolicme.com. “So, the style and content tended to always show women as the subservient and controlled party, dominated into servicing and prioritising the man’s satisfaction. The male-led industry catered predominantly to men, ignoring women in the process.”
This is not the only overarching issue related to women in porn. The industry has also historically seen great inequality when it comes to performers from different backgrounds; in fact, as one New York Times piece points out in 2013, African American women have been paid half to three-quarters of what white actresses were paid for the same work. The structural inequality experienced by Black women and women from other underrepresented backgrounds in life has unfortunately often been reflected (and perpetuated) within the porn industry.
Despite a sordid past, the relationship between women and porn has been ever-evolving, however. “In recent years, there has been a real shift, with porn made specifically for women (showcasing authentic female pleasure and diverse body types) becoming more prevalent - and popular,” explains Jaimee Bell, sex expert at BLOOM, the leading platform for inclusive and consent-led erotic audio content. New, ethical, female-founded platforms have been at the forefront of these developments (more on these later).
For women in the porn industry, too, attitudes and experiences have seemed to change for the better in some spaces. There have been examples of female actors feeling empowered by their work as a way to rise out of poverty and support themselves or their families, often with the added advantage of making a statement about creative expression and female pleasure. There have even been specific pieces written in recent years that share voices from porn, expressing their appreciation for the industry that allowed them to feel confident about their bodies and sexually desired.
It’s clear that a new era of porn is beginning to arise – but if like me you’ve always had a complicated relationship with adult content, where do you begin to make the shift to feel personally empowered?
Individuals and couples are filling in the gaps of their sex education by learning from real people.
Going shame-free: how to feel empowered – not embarrassed – by porn
The first step is to work on shifting your mindset; for me, it has been about unlearning years of (often true) stereotypes I had about adult content.
With the type of videos many of us may have first been exposed to, it’s not surprising that watching porn has led to us feeling shame and embarrassment. But as a proud feminist who wants to celebrate body confidence, sexual pleasure and women doing what they want with their own bodies, I’ve been keen to work on my relationship with porn.
“There are a lot of reasons women might feel shame around sex and porn. It might be a result of their upbringing, a previous partner, or past experiences. Or maybe it comes from the way society views and talks about female sexuality,” says Jaimee. “Remember that while it’s totally normal to feel this way, breaking free from shame will allow you to have so much more freedom and fun. Remind yourself that these feelings come from external forces and are not yours to carry.”
Both Jaimee and Anna agree that it all comes down to the type of content you invest in, which will likely help you to evolve the way you think about it. “The best way to overcome shame around porn is by making sure what you consume is in line with your values. What you consume, and how you consume it, should make you feel good about yourself,” says Jaimee.
“Making a conscious decision to support ethical platforms that have strong production values and ethos allows you the viewer to be more relaxed in what you are viewing, to allow you to enjoy what turns you on,” agrees Anna.
How to find empowering porn for women sources
“Look at pornography as offering a wonderful sexual laboratory through which we can explore and understand our own sexuality, interests, tastes and kinks and learn what it is that turns us on,” says Anna. Wondering where to start? Follow these top tips from the experts, followed by a round-up of who’s doing it best.
- Opt for ethical porn: ‘Ethical porn’ (sometimes known as ‘feminist porn’) “refers to visual erotica and films depicting sex made with the well-being and consent of all involved, whether models, director or camera crew, both in front of and behind the camera,” says Anna. “Everyone is fairly compensated for their contribution and feels valued for their abilities. These films and filmmakers are female-founded, producing respectful porn that shines a light on female empowerment through healthy sexual pleasure, where the women and the female gaze are centred.” The easiest way to determine if something is ethical is to do a little research. “When you’re selecting your platform of choice, find out who’s behind the content,” says Jaimee. “Check out the website's ‘About Us’ and ‘FAQs’ pages. There should be full transparency around actors and production processes.” This type of porn is often paid-for content, as your contribution goes towards supporting more ethical practices. “It’s very easy to spot an ethical porn site based on how their contributors feel about them; a good rule of thumb is that if a platform has creators who are happy to be affiliated with them, they are likely doing it right,” adds Jaimee.
- Try erotic fiction or audio porn: Jaimee describes these as “fun and immersive formats that can get your imagination going,” without the fears of being exploitative. She adds: “Another benefit of audio porn is that it’s easier to imagine yourself at the centre of the narrative, rather than feeling like a voyeur or bystander.”
- Start small, with TV or movies: One way I personally started to feel more comfortable with sex on the screen is by beginnning with scenes in ‘regular’ TV shows or movies. “Choose one with an engaging storyline to help you get in the mood. Bridgerton, The L Word and even Spartacus are tried and true favourites,” says Jaimee.
- Use sex toys that make you feel equally as empowered: The perfect partner for porn? A sex toy that gets you going, ofc. For beginners, Anna recommends a “smooth, discreet bullet” such as this one by Mantric. “Those who feel more comfortable with vibrators may love the powerhouse of a wand vibrator,” she adds.
Get your headphones, you've pulled.
The best porn for women sites
- FrolicMe: A new platform set up by Anna Richards, which “champions the importance of female pleasure and consensual enjoyment.” With a sex positive approach, FrolicMe has ethically-made erotic films, audio, galleries and stories to enjoy.
- BLOOM: Erotic audio platform BLOOM prides itself on being inclusive and consent-led, as well as “catering to a wide-range of audiences and sexualities.” The site has both free and premium options, and offers audio stories as well as educational guides for couples and individuals.
- Lustery: Lustery celebrates self-made amateur porn for women, with a real sense of authentic community. It “provides a sex-celebrating and shame-free space for couples to share their love and lust with the world.” With no acting and just real lust and passion, this is the place to go if super-scripted erotica has always given you the ick.
- PinkLabel: With the porn industry historically not exactly being the most inclusive place, major props have to be given to PinkLabel for making all feel welcome. With LGBTQ+ stars as well as people with disabilities and from different backgrounds, it puts inclusivity at its heart.
- Erika Lust: Erika Lust is perhaps the best-known name in empowering porn for women. With films more comparable to award-winning cinema, this is erotica at its best. Lust employs females in all key positions behind the camera, and currently has an impressive four channels to choose from: XConfessions, Lust Cinema, Else Cinema and The Store by Erika Lust.
- Make Love Not Porn: ‘Real’ sex feels hard to come by in the world of porn, but sites like Make Love Not Porn are doing the most. Founded by Cindy Gallop, this platform relies on audience-submitted videos, with half the money made going right back to them.
