This St. Patrick's Day alone, 406 people will die while trying to make green beer. Wow, statistics are wild.
Just kidding. In reality, making green beer is arguably the safest thing that a lot of people will do on St. Patrick's Day, and the obvious go-to method is to find some green food dye and drip drop to your heart's content (although three drops will cut it). But we here at Esquire couldn't pass up the opportunity to absolutely punish ourselves by experimenting with terrible flavors, volatile chemistry, and scents reminiscent of some of the worst places on Earth. If we were jumping into the world of green beer, we wanted to be dangerous.
To properly experiment, we brainstormed a list of green stuff that we thought might make for jazzy alternatives to your run-of-the-mill food dye. They are as follows:
- spirulina
- matcha tea
- McDonald's Shamrock Shake™
- lime Jell-O
- puréed spinach
For beer, we used Heineken, because it has a nice green bottle and we love a color scheme. Heineken is also light and pretty bland (sorry, Heineken). If there was ever a beer that would accurately reflect changes in taste and color, it'd be this one. As a control, we tested green food dye in the final round. Yes, it's boring, but remember that scene from Inception with the top? We needed something to keep us grounded in this terrifying world of beer-dyeing.
After six attempts, we found that there's really only one acceptable way to dye your beer, if you're compelled to do so. (As two Irish guys out here just trying to make holiday-specific content, may we suggest you drink your beer as is?) Please review our science below.
Spirulina
A swamp green aesthetic with a touch of chalk
For those who don't know, spirulina is a type of blue algae and part of the “whole food” fad. It's used as a dietary supplement, meaning it's gross and just awful to consume.
But hell, it's green-ish, so we tried it anyway.
Imagine taking a bunch of pennies and Flintstones vitamins, grinding them up into a glass of used bath water, and then kicking it back. Our spirulina concoction wasn't just emotionally damaging and palatably tragic, but it physically assaulted us, too. Meaning, it dyed our mustaches green, perhaps permanently. Nearly an hour after the experiment concluded, Cameron still tasted iron in his mouth. If you have a health nut friend, tell them to stick to the spinach. Would not recommend to anyone. Ever.
Matcha Tea
Come for the army green tint, leave for the fish flavor
Have you ever been attacked in a way that you can't quite verbalize? That's what happens when you mix matcha tea with Heineken. The tea reacted violently to the beer, taking more than a few stirs to get mixed in. Still, we were left with some chunky boys floating in our drink, and yes, we could taste them. The flavor of the first sip was similar to what an aquarium smells like, but if we hung in there... the aquarium flavor got stronger. That was confusing, because matcha is made from tea, not fish. We know because we were compelled to confirm that fact. Cameron specifically noted, "It tastes like when you go to the zoo." And for the record, we are very anti-zoo. Would only recommend to someone you're trying to kill.
McDonald's Shamrock Shake™
A soft green marshmallow exterior with a creamy finish
Upon first taste, Justin's reaction was, "Mama, this is hot garbage." Cameron contended it was "not awful," but Cameron also seemed to have a lot invested in the Shamrock Shake™ working. Nothing about this combination was good. The head of the beer took on a similar consistency to that of a root beer float, and it was nearly impossible to get past the foam and cream to the actual beer. But when we did? It was fucking awful. The smell was most akin to the end of St. Patrick's Day in a sweaty frat house. Would absolutely never recommend, unless you are invested in the Shamrock Shake™ working.
Lime Jell-O
A beautiful, bright green Jell-O shot with a punch of tang
Lime Jell-O had the privilege of seeming really gross in theory but being serviceable in execution. Before starting, we had a brief conversation about whether or not it would be bad to drink unsettled Jell-O, but upon further speculation, we figured, doesn't Jell-O unsettle in your stomach anyway? As we poured it, the beer really reacted to the powder, immediately starting the process of congealing. However, the taste itself was not bad. If you've ever tried a variation of "college hunch punch," it was similar, but milder because it was beer and not flammable-level alcohol. Extremely sweet, yet surprisingly drinkable, notes of lime came through amid the rush of sugar. Would only recommend if you're already drunk.
Puréed Spinach
Richly green in color and not-bad in flavor
With puréed spinach, the final result looked as if we had gone to a river and scooped out some weeds and sewer water and put them in a glass—it also smelled like it. But this experiment was equal parts about appearance and taste, and spinach really came through on the latter. If we plugged our noses and ignored the chunks of spinach and the rotting marsh smell, the spinach flavor barely came through. What we were left with was something palatable enough. For anyone who has a friend looking to go vegan or hoping for an organic dye, give them this. Would only recommend to people who like green juice.
Green Food Dye
Bright green and classic, and yes, beer-forward
This one was the best. Are you happy now? Yes, dyed beer tastes like beer and is a very nice shade of green, but to what end? TO WHAT END? This method is a basic crowd pleaser, and you don't lose the Heineken taste at all.
We could have only tested green food coloring and called it a day, but take a second with us to reflect on the journey. In the case that you ever wanted to get weird with beer and green food items, now you know you can skip the matcha portion of the experiment (unless you want to drink a goddamn aquarium). You can try mashed kiwi or something. We are here to serve you, and we’ve done that, green mustaches and all.
