Kansas City: Home of Gates BBQ, frakking Chiefs fans and more American Idol auditions!

(I apologize for the delay with this recap. There was a freak accident.)

I don’t know how any reality TV nonsense can go to Kansas City without visiting Gates BBQ. I hope at least one idiot who auditioned for this shit show went up to the judges and just kept yelling, “Hi, May I Help You?” 

Anyway, let’s get this shit show started!

Random chicks in KC lusting after asexual Seacrest. Crowds, judges, blah, blah, blah, blah. OMG! OMG! OMG! Jason Castro is there! He’s surprising Paula Abdul!!! Of course, you already know why Jason Castro is in the Show-Me State! Brother Michael has been instructed to GO TO WORK in the family business.

(And why the hell is he lovingly embracing the woman who kind of threw him under the bus last year. Oh who cares. I doubt Paula remembers last Tuesday let alone last season.)

Yo, Stoner J. I enjoyed you last season. However, the antics of your family and well, mostly your die-hard fans who feel the need to carry around effigies of you and stalk your church, have kind of soured myself and countless others on the whole “Stoner J Experience”. But I still wish you the best of luck with your career, just you know, I think you should follow Cook’s lead and start hitting the college scene hard if you don’t want to always be remembered as an AI contestant.

Hmmm…also looks like Stoner J could use some Proactiv. Wow. Now that’s one of my best ideas EVER. They need to lose Jessica Simpson and Lindsay Lohan…and they’ve never had a male spokesperson to my knowledge. Are you listening, Betsy Castro? Call those Proactiv peeps and get your son on an infomercial STAT.

Audition #1
Chelsea Marquardt (Age 19)

“Cute” and blonde. I already dislike her immensely. Cookie Cutter Chelsea. OMG! She’s singing KEN LEE!!! Tilibu Diba Douchoo! PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE play the Valentina Hasan tryout clip NOW. Oh crap, I’m so going to have to watch it now anyway. She’s a waitress, apparently. $10 says its at Applebee’s. (And I can totally make derogatory statements like that because when I was 19, I waitressed at an Applebee’s.) 

Audition #2 (Age 20)
Ashley Anderson

Whoa. I had no idea Simon Cowell WROTE songs. I thought he just “produced” music, i.e., discovered “talent” (Simon, I love you but Il Divo needs to die). I always wonder why people tryout with songs done by AI or X Factor artists when they go on this show. It always boggles my mind. Like when Coretta Scott Mercado sang that Fantasia coronation song last year. Is this considered kissing ass? It just makes them look like huge fools. Anyway, from the looks of Ms. Anderson, I would venture to say she does “local modeling”, mainly radio-station hosted swimsuit competitions and enters pics in Maxim’s Hometown Hotties contest. Ms. Jersey just frakked up the lyrics. Her voice is bland. And her facial and hand movements are a bit disconcerting. Bland boring voice. Will not make it past the next round.

Tsk tsk, Simon. You like KANSAS a lot? You’re in MISSOURI. If there is one place on the planet the entirety of Missouri is, it’s Kansas. 

Audition #3 
Casey Carlson  (Age 20) 

This chick looks like what Katy Perry probably did before she said, screw you bible thumpers. Katy Perry crossed with a swimsuit model and theme park Snow White, of course. (And wouldn’t you know it! Ms. Carlson’s professional bikini shots have been discovered, thanks interweb!) Despite her perky demeanor and career as a “bubble tea maker”, I don’t mind her so much. She’s brunette and yeah, whatevia, I totally love this Vanessa Carlton song.  Brunettes are always held in higher esteem than blondes on this shit show. Yes. I am prejudice and will fully admit to being so. (Side note: I’ve tried to drink bubble tea on several occasions but it’s just trying to force something that’s never gonna happen. In fact, my feelings towards bubble tea are almost identical to how I feel when I go out with some idiot from an online dating site.)

Audition #4
Brian Hettler (Age 20)

For some reason, I think this guy showed up to tryouts on a dare. His look screams more wannabe stand-up comedian than aspiring singer. Again, the pre-presentation of Hettler (and lack of back story) make the outcome of this one pretty damn predictable. But I am wondering what the hell his garish gold-toned pendant may be. Granted, I think he’s kind of fun. He could be a comedic musician! This guy has to know it. Ok. He’s a wannabe comedic musician. His influences are definitely Jack Black, not Josh Groban. I don’t buy his sadness for one second. 

Cut to a bunch of people crying, dreams being destroyed, people making sure their cries are loud enough to get included on B-Roll, et al. And wouldn’t you know it? A heartwarming story is just around the corner, uh, you know, the “corner” being the last 5 minutes of the show, right?

This Pathetic Moment in Shitty Journalism is brought to you by Top Idol!

Oh come now. Grenvell and Beth Cook are just coincidentally in the shot?? That’s why they’re clearly wearing passes of some sort around their necks. I don’t mind David Cook’s parents whatsoever and by all accounts, they seem to be kind-hearted and grounded people. If Seacrest is wondering why he’s getting such a tough rap these days, with Angelina Joile ignoring him on the red carpet, the embarassing gaffe when he attempted to high-five blind contestant  Scott MacIntyre in Phoenix, maybe he should try and make himself a little less plastic and a little more real. He’s not this generation’s Dick Clark. He’s a real-life Ron Bergundy. If he could have just said, “I’m here with David Cook’s parents in the _____ neighborhood of Kansas City” rather than just “running into them”, he would look less like a teleprompter addict, as well as giving the audience at home a little insight into the downtown area of KC where the auditions took place. Much more real. Much more informative. These people didn’t just “show up”. Many of us Americans are complete idiots, but  I venture the majority of the viewers over the age of 5 can still call bullshit when they see staged crap like this inconsequential bit of nonsense. It would make complete sense to get their input on their son’s post-Idol career/successes in their HOMETOWN. What was the purpose into launching into this bit about Cook with complete and utter bullshit? Its little things like this, oh, yes, its a subtilty that does so much to add to the fact Idol is one big Ford & Coke-sponsored shit show.

THIS IS THE PART WHEN IDOL SHOWS AMERICA THAT GAY MEN
FROM THE HEARTLAND ARE SUPER SCARY FREAKS!

Audition #5
James Michael Avance (Age 20)

Many people claim to sing only in the shower, but I would hypothesize the world’s shit singers prefer doing it while perched on the toilet. Which is why they look and sound as if they are taking a crap when trying to belt out the modern country classic When You Say Nothing At All.

Audition #6
Billy Vinson (Age 27)

What is he wearing? Poor guy. They hardly let him get 5 words in before Simon said it was time to say goodbye. Blame the scary sweater. It was like Liberace on the Pirates of the Caribbean. 

Audition #7
Chris Jones (Age 21) 

Now here is your harmless neighborhood “sensitive” guy. Wow. I’m not sure if Simon is homophobic, per se, but I think he’s quite disenchanted with people who may not be the best looking people in the world. Oh, but yes, he builds superstars and you know, the look is EVERYTHING.

Audition #8
Deandre Hopkins (Age 22)

Deandre’s dreams looked a bit crushed. Awww. Poor Deandre. But points off for mixing too many knocked-off designer logos/motifs.

Eccentric Gay Men Are Scary Segment Concludes…
Now let’s bring on a potential Idol finalist the Fraus will FLOCK TO!

Cue the vintage Stevie Wonder. This kid’s boyish face is (literally) topped off with retro charm in the guise of a straw fedora. And wait until you get a load of his name, too! Pure heaven for those ladies on the verge of their AARP subscriptions.

Audition #9
Von Smith (Age 22)

And here he goes with Over The Rainbow, a timeless standard. I’m sure there are already comparison threads in Castrofanlandia. But Von Smith has much more powerful vocals than Stoner J. They’re two entirely different types of singers. Speaking of, I have a feeling Von Smith has a Swingers poster prominently displayed in his bedroom. Von’s mother thinks he is such a great joy. Awwww. Stevie Wonder plays as they all skip away.

OMG THIS IS IT! THIS IS THE AUDITION YOU CRAZY CASTRO FANS HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR! ALL YOU “MCasCREEPERS” AND ALL THE REST OF YOU WHO ARE DESPERATE TO SEE ANY STONER J BACK ON YOUR TELEVISION!!!

Audition #10
Michael Castro (Age 20)

Yes. We get it. Stoner J. cannot do interviews. Because he’s baked. Oh, shame on me! I know he’s not a stoner. He’s just a REAL LAID BACK GUY WHO HAS THE LORD IN HIS HEART. As Stoner J waits in the waiting room to support his brother, along with the rest of the Castro clan (Betsy and Jackie Castro NEVER miss free airtime), they engage in some “brotherly rapport” which basically involves Spikey Mike calling Stoner J “girly” and “sensitive”. Michael Castro is also kind of not good at interviews, but I have a feeling Betsy “preps” them this way at the Castro kitchen table every night so they can perfect that “aw shucks laid back charm”.

Michael Castro’s hair is much more reminiscent of David Cook’s pre-Idol makeover look, but with a different twist.  It’s almost as if that douchebag Pete Wentz took a crap into A Flock of Seagulls. Anyway, I don’t hate this kid. I’m sure he’s a nice guy. I just wonder how much he really wants to be in the family business.

Stoner J. says he doesn’t know what his brother is talking about, because he is A MAN. Ok, ok. let’s get to the audition part. When Spikey Mike goes into the room, he tells the judges he just oh, started singing 20 days before the audition because he figures if Stoner J could do it, so could he (Translation: My mother made me do this so these women will keep buying merchandise and giving gifts to our family). I’m sure the producers gave him a pretty easy in so he didn’t have to wait in all those big “lines” they want us to believe everyone comes from.

Spikey Mike doesn’t have an exceptional voice, per se, but it is a different voice than Stoner J’s. I rather liked Stoner J’s performances on the show and rooted for him throughout the season (in spite of what all you Castrofans who call me Satan say), but I think his brother has a more powerful voice. Higher range, greater depth of tone and volume? Something like that? Simon says he is “goodish”. Michael Castro is either really laid back or just really confident that he’s made it. Kara looks horny. She wants to go all cougar on his ass and find out his “secret”.

And look who is outside waiting! THE ENTIRE CASTRO FAMILY!  (Who is the guy next to Spikey Mike?) It just seems so obvious this kid knew he was making it past this round…hmmm. Meh. No surprise to me. And let’s check out the family photo, with Little Sis Jackie front and center. She’s only 14 but loves the off-the-shoulder look. (And in 2 years, you know she’s going to be trying out for this shit show.)

They shout “We’re going to Hollywood” and of course, Betsy Castro yells out, arm outstretched victoriously, AGAIN!!!

(And I groan.)

Audition #11
Vaughn English (Age 20)

Love this guy. I bet my good friend, the incredible comedian Shane Webb, could create a killer routine with this guy. I kind of feel like a banana now, too.

Audition #12
Matt Breitzke (Age 27)

Ryan starts this off by saying that the judges are “most likely to find this contestant a bit more appealing”. Hmmm…let me count the ways:

1. He’s from Bixby, OK (THE HEARTLAND!)
2. He’s married with a child, therefore having to forego his singing career by taking a day job as a welder
3. His wife and him are huge fans of the show

He has a nice, soulful bluesy voice. Randy says he’s just a “cool bar singer”. Kara likes him. Kara likes him b/c she wants a big ol’ bear to take her to the Plaza while she’s in KC. Simon agrees with the girls. See? Randy is just jealous. Daughtry starts to play (Was this chosen because like Daughtry, Breitzke, too, is bald?)

Audition #13
Jasmine Joseph (Age 17)

Because KC is near Kansas, is this why people insist on singing Over The Rainbow. Well, her hair is rainbow colored. She’s young. I hope Jasmine gets into the KC Art Institute and finds herself.  

Audition #14
Jessica Furney (Age 19)

Ah, let’s start with the neighborhood shots. And how she lives with her 93-year-old grandmother. Yeah. Like this chick isn’t going far. It’s all very Friday Night Lights, but the musical version.  But I already like Jessica because she’s not a bimbo blond and she’s going to be singing Janis Joplin. I want Jessica to cagefight that dumb twit Joplanta. I like Jessica. Go Jessica.

Audition #15
India Morrison (Age 22)
Asia McClain (Age  24)

OMG. I LOVE IT. They are singing a song about cookies and cheeseburgers and they dedicated it to Randy. I love it. I like their sisterly love, b/c I can sometimes be a sap for that shit. She knew she wasn’t going to make it, she was all there for her sister. It was sweet. (Ah, those percocets). And I wonder what their other sisters’ names are. Why didn’t Cambodia or Australia sing? Awww…Asia is crying for her sister. I like them

Audition #16
Jamar Rogers (Age 26)

I don’t get his hair, but his voice is kind of powerful. Kind of different, kind of an interesting soulful take on California Dreamin’. With a little practice, he can reign his voice in. Don’t know if he’ll make it past the Hollywood round.

Audition #17
Danny Gokey (Age 28 )

Danny has a back story to end all back stories. His wife died a month before his audition and he decided to go through with it, despite his overwhelming grief. He’s also a church music teacher. American Idol LOVES those Christians. He sings I Heard It Through The Grapevine. It’s obvious he’s going to Hollywood. They all think he is one of the best they’ve heard. Ok…why do I think it’s kind of odd they’re now playing The Fray’s How to Save a Life?

Ok…some scary bad female auditions. These women all seem to have Runaway Bride Eyes. They don’t even give us their names, which is probably for the better. Oh, Idol is learning. The male contestants are where it’s at. That’s how you get the votes and the CRAZY ASS FANS!

Audition #18
Anoop Desai (Age 21)

I would like to see more Asians on Idol. And he’s another smart one! I am always more biased to the smart ones. Wow. Check his voice. You know they were so not expecting that voice to come out of Anoop, based solely on the fact he is tan and his name is Anoop. Biased muthafrakkers. Jesus, Randy, why did you have to say “Anoop Dawg is in the house.” Now Simon has to bring up the “geek look”. Simon hates the “geeks”. Whatever. If you have the voice and you can get through, what does it matter? Christ. Randy said “Anoop Dawg” again.

Now the part where they make the rejects (and others) sing Signed Sealed Delivered, including the true definition of a roadwhore doing her version. See below:

The show returns, showing us all the “gimmicks” people use in order to maybe see a producer or get featured on TV. This looks no different from any episode of Monty Hall’s Let’s Make A Deal. And they’re just compiling clips from EVERYWHERE, for instance, Katrini Bikini shows up for a split second. as does the big afro guy (both from Phoenix).

Audition #19
(Introduced by Two Frakked-Up Cheerleaders)
Andrew Lang (Age 19)

I have no idea what is going on. But it’s all so very very wrong. Even if the larger one can do the splits. WAIT! They are the REAL auditionee’s HAGS! Yes! Makes perfect sense now. Andrew sings The Temptations’ classic, My Girl. As an ice cream server from Columbia, MO (where my alma mater is located), I am kind of rooting for this kid (I also worked for Baskin Robbins while in high school). He gets the judges clapping! YAY! I’ve missed Paula’s seal clapping! That was one of the better parts last season, at least when I was drinking. $10 says Simon calls him geeky. Sassy black cheerleader plays the role of the “magical negro” and convinces the judges to let him sing something else. This Andrew kid is smart. More and more white people should try and use their magical negroes to their advantage when trying to make a group of stuck up white people see the light (Yeah, Mr. Randy Jackson, I play guitar for Loverboy, I’m talking to you, too!). Oh no. They’re calling him “theatrical”. This is how they get rid of the gays. The gays are always “too theatrical”. Oh, Idol, I hate you even more, you racist, bigoted asshats! I hope the three of them stop at the Iron Skillet or the Flying J for a hearty meal on the way back to Columbia.

Is it just me? Or is this the LONGEST EPISODE EVER? And there is still 30 minutes left!

Audition #20
Asa Barnes (Age 28 )

Back story as middle school band director and shots of this guy’s 4-year-old daughter mean he’s going to Hollywood. He seems perfectly pleasant and rather likable. He sings Michael Jackson. He slipped up in a few spots, but he’s likable. They find it odd he sings Michael Jackson, perhaps its because he works with young children? But they like Asa. Kara thinks he has a whole “vibe” (Translation: She would so do him.) Randy blabbers on some Randy nonsense. Asa goes and hugs his daughter. Heartfelt moment. Cue commercial break.

Audition #21
Michael Nicewonder (Age 20) 

Some guy from Deliverance announces he is going to be a star. I think he might be special. I do not want to laugh at him. But he reminds me of Lenny in Of Mice and Men. I want to stop being mean. I don’t want to be mean to this kid. Oh crap. I suck. Maybe he just needs a tan and a dye job? And oh no. He’s opting to do an original song. Most likely this about as successful as representing yourself when you’re on trial for killing a bunch of people on a subway. Awww, I feel bad for this kid. Idol loves do shatter dreams.

Audition #21
Dennis Brigham (Age 21)

Dennis sings Chris Brown’s With You. Paula looks at him lasciviously, perhaps thinking he is another Corey Clark. Paula even gives him a resounding YES. (I hope she had Ryan slip him her number.) Randy says yes. Now it is up to Kara and she gives in. Dennis is going to Hollywood. Curtis Mayfield’s Move On Up plays. I imagine Dennis sitting between Paula and Kara sipping Cristal in a hottub overlooking Laurel Canyon.

Audition #22
Mia Conley (Age 27)

Runaway bride eyes! She’s singing Minnie Riperton’s Lovin’ You ( I detest that song, but yet, have to love Minnie Riperton since she did give birth to Maya Rudolph). Her hot pink outfit and red hair streaks make for an interesting dynamic against the “stage” background. Oh. This is not good. La la la la la la la la. Oooops. High note. La la la la la. La la la la la. Bye bye Mia. Mia is angry at the judges. She says they made the wrong choice. NEXT.

FINAL AUDITION MEANS BIG HEARTWARMING STORY! SHE PUT HER SINGING DREAMS ON HOLD TO HAVE BABIES. THERE WAS ALSO A TORNADO. GOING ON AMERICAN IDOL WILL MAKE EVERYTHING BETTER.

Ah ha! This is the Lil Rounds we’ve heard so much about! Supposedly, she is the real deal. (FYI, its a nickname for Lillian.)

Audition #23
Lil Rounds (Age  23)

Another one doing Stevie Wonder. Lil has pipes. Real pipes. And I don’t think she had a failed contract with Geffen or a song on the Bratz soundtrack. Can Lil Rounds please cagefight Joplanta? Simon loves her. Calls her classy. Randy says she’s a mixture of Fantasia and Mary J. Blige. Kara says she is one of the best. Lil is crying. Lil is cheering. I cannot say anything negative about Lil Rounds. Lil Rounds is kind of cool. 

26 people from KC are going to Hollywood. And that was the longest 2 hours of my entire life.

Simon concludes the show by saying, “I’m now in love with Kansas.”

YOU’RE IN MISSOURI!!! And don’t ever confuse that shit.