Watching all of the Twilight films for the first time in 2020
This whole series is genuinely horrifying
I’m a believer that if you want to properly criticise a movie, you should have watched it first. And, until now, I’d only seen a couple of the Twilight films (I think I maybe saw the first two closer to when they came out) so I didn’t have much to offer by way of analysis. I recall that they’re pretty goofy, cheesy and forgettable. Over the past week or so, I’ve watched the whole series and now can see just how awful they are.
These films are distinctively terrible in a way that makes them quite fascinating to watch. They’re cheesy, melodramatic, plotless and often take themselves way too seriously. The first film doesn’t even look good or have a good understanding of cinematic language, and the subsequent films have to live with some of its worst choices (like the terrible visual effects for when the vampires run really fast).
I know these films had a big fanbase of teens at the time, especially young girls, and that a lot of the fun came from the “Team Edward” and “Team Jacob” of it all. I don’t think that excuses just how poorly made the movies are, though. I can’t help but wonder if today’s teens would accept not only the characters and the way they behave but the sheer lack of quality filmmaking on display here too.
On a more serious note, I also don’t think they’re entirely harmless. The kind of behaviour we see championed throughout the Twilight series is, frankly, regressive and sexist. We see controlling men, gaslighting, emotional abuse and stalking throughout, and it’s consistently treated as romantic and dreamy. I’ll try to be fairly lighthearted in my critique, but some of what’s in these movies is pretty troubling (and undoubtedly influenced by author Stephanie Meyer’s Mormon faith). Vampire fiction has long dabbled in the kinds of power dynamics on display in these films, but acknowledging that doesn’t excuse how this story gives its largely female audience a disconcerting portrayal of what true love looks like.
Anyway, while I’ve not got a lot to say that’s particularly positive, I’m going to try to review each of these films one-by-one (there are spoilers throughout, naturally, as some of these movies came out over a decade ago). To have a little fun with this, I’ve written up some of my thoughts on each film and picked out the scene that was most memorable and then tried to pick a “creepiest moment” for each movie…
Twilight
The verdict: The most striking thing about the first Twilight instalment is just how little anybody behaves like a genuine and believable human being. Maybe it’s forgivable, given that several characters are immortal vampires, but it extends to the actual humans in the story too. Kristen Stewart’s Bella arrives at a new school and it feels like everyone’s falling over themselves to become friends with her. Then she immediately falls head over heels in love with the first weirdo vampire who tells her she’s his “own personal brand of heroin” and that he’s desperate to murder her. Irresistible, I’m sure. Beyond the lack of believability in the interpersonal drama, neither Stewart or leading man Robert Pattinson deliver convincing performances, the plot is threadbare, and the visual effects are atrocious. This one’s a complete bore, like many of the remaining films.
Most memorable scene: It’s got to be that absurd baseball scene, I want to believe Catherine Hardwicke was in on the joke because I can’t imagine her directing that with a straight face.
Creepiest moment: There’s a lot to pick from here, but Edward admitting that he’s sneaked into Bella’s room at night several times to watch her sleep is especially disturbing.
The Twilight Saga: New Moon
The verdict: It’s not good, but I’m happy to praise it for being than the first one. On the most basic level, the production value has improved. It just looks better and makes more sense visually. The characters still make several decisions throughout that aren’t especially believable, and as you go through this series it’s hard to avoid the realisation that Bella is a horrible protagonist who does nothing for most of the films. It also gets more and more difficult to justify Edward’s terrible actions. He’s an emotional abuser, and I think it’s important to acknowledge that. New Moon has an increased focus on werewolves and properly introduces Taylor Lautner’s Jacob as another love interest for the main character. He’s not particularly interesting and Kristen Stewart doesn’t have chemistry with him either. Like the first one, this movie’s also a drag that really doesn’t need to be over two hours long. It all ends with Bella flying to Italy to stop Edward taking his shirt off. Really.
Most memorable scene: The brief scene where Bella sits in a chair and several months pass by is garbage. Her overall reaction to her breakup is bizarre (including painful wailing in the night) but you just can’t forget about that dumb 360-degree rotational shot that showcase how long she’s been moping, because it’s complete nonsense.
Creepiest moment: The livejournal user kar3ning found fifteen examples of behaviour that the National Domestic Abuse Hotline considers abusive in this film, so there’s a lot to be creeped out by here again. But, I think the way this movie treats domestic violence as a given and understandable within the werewolf community is one of the most uncomfortable and disturbing bits.
The Twilight Saga: Eclipse
The verdict: This is the first one that I’m prepared to say fully works as a film. And that’s all down to director David Slade. It’s got creepy horror touches, and is even coherent and engaging throughout. It goes without saying that Edward’s abuse continues to be the most difficult thing to watch, and his behaviour is shocking once again in this film. Bella remains a passive protagonist here too, but at least the movie cooks up some excitement around an oncoming attack from newborn vampires. It also has a little more of a sense of humour and doesn’t take itself quite so seriously this time around. Slade finally gets the action to look and feel more exciting too, complete with a bunch of inventive vampire decapitations. Bryce Dallas Howard also now plays the villain Victoria and does a much better job of it than the previous actor did in the role. I’d not go as far as saying I liked it, it still isn’t compelling and the characters are so bad, but it’s better than the rest of the films in the series.
Most memorable scene: The ridiculous tent scene is one of the few scenes in this series that knows it’s silly and plays it for laughs because moments like this should be entertaining. Bella gets cold in a tent and because vampires are icy cold and werewolves are super warm, she has to hug Jacob while Edward watches. It’s awkward, dumb and fun and at least the script doesn’t try to treat it seriously.
Creepiest moment: Edward is still revolting but Jacob deserves to be called out for creepy behaviour too. The way he grabs Bella by the head and forces her into a kiss is disgusting. And what’s more disgusting is how the movie brushes it off. I know fans are divided between Team Jacob and Team Edward but it’s worth remembering that both of these men are unacceptable.
The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn — Part 1
The verdict: This one is the worst one. I disliked all of the movies, but I think this is the one I actively hated the most. It really shoves its pro-life propaganda in your face and is so much more boring than the previous films. The eventual body horror is unsettling, but it feels accidental more than purposeful. None of these characters behave in believable ways still, and it’s uncomfortable to watch them throughout. In Breaking Dawn – Part 1, we see Bella get married to Edward, and she then suddenly gets pregnant with a demon baby and won’t consider not having it (even though it’s killing her). I’ve seen some argue that this is pro-choice because Bella makes this decision but it seems clear that the message of the movie is to prioritise the baby over Bella’s life, so I think it ends up being “anti-life”, if that’s a thing. Either way, the whole movie is just either painful to watch or dull, and the only good thing is that it isn’t longer than two hours.
Most memorable scene: Probably the birth scene and all the body horror that goes with it. It’s very strange and bizarre but at least it gets closer to being shocking and frightening. While not much about it makes sense, the whole series could do with more scenes that show the more monstrous and scary side of things.
Creepiest moment: The CGI baby. Just… why? (Oh and I can’t just skip over how sickening it is that Jacob instantly falls in love with the baby — this movie is pure garbage.)
The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn — Part 2
The verdict: This one’s much too silly for it to be the worst one in the series, and it doesn’t take itself seriously, which is a good thing. The story follows the immediate aftermath of Bella’s horrendous pregnancy and her being turned into a vampire. And, essentially, being a vampire ends up being all she ever dreamed it would be and has relatively few consequences. So, she’s pretty happy with herself and also happy to leave her human family behind and devote herself to Edward forever. It’s not a great message for these films to end on. The laughable villains called the Volturi also have a part to play too, and there’s a whole plot about Edward and Bella’s daughter being in danger but it’s not especially gripping. In general, the final instalment is enjoyable enough in parts. It’s short, again, and it’ll keep you entertained with dozens of vampire decapitations that look like popping the heads of Lego figurines. But aside from that, this is still a total bore, with dodgy performances, shoddy CGI, and an indecipherable plot.
Most memorable scene: The all-action climax and its big fight scene is probably the most memorable bit because it’s all so stupid and silly. It’s also all a vision of the future that is given to the main villain, so none of it is consequential either. It’s fun and dumb, though, and feels like an appropriate way for this all to end.
Creepiest moment: I’d pick the terrifying CGI baby again, but it soon grows up and has Jacob leering over a child like a pedophile. I’m sure Twilight fans try to explain away the whole “imprinting” thing but there’s no rationalisation that can work — it’s terrible. The creepiest moment, then, is when Jacob asks Edward, “So, should I call you “Dad” now?” – it’s a clear acknowledgment that he’s in some kind of twisted romantic relationship with a child.
I said it before and I’ll say it again, this story is very very weird and makes me uncomfortable.
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