7 Reasons Why the Mullet Needs to Make a Comeback
“Business in the front, party in the back.”
“Tennessee Top Hat”
“Kentucky Waterfall”
“Missouri Compromise”
“Neckwarmer”
All are nicknames given to the greatest do in the history of hair: the mullet.
For those unfortunate souls who are unfamiliar with God’s greatest gift to this world, a mullet is defined simply as a cut where the hair in the front and sides of the head is shorter than the hair on the back of the head.
The mullet was a fixture of American culture from the 1970s to the mid 1990s, with some its most famous owners including Paul McCartney, David Bowie, Patrick Swayze, Chuck Norris, John Stamos, Larry Bird, Jaromir Jagr, Andre Agassi, and of course, Billy Ray Cyrus. That’s a pretty powerful bunch of dudes, but the mullet wasn’t just a style worn by men; there were also women who decided to get in on the mullet action, including Florence Henderson, Ellen DeGeneres, and more recently, Zendaya.
Unfortunately, America’s greatest looking era came to an end when manscaping swept the nation in the 90s and 2000s. Boy bands started topping the charts, and guys decided to ditch the mullet in favor of middle parts, frosted tips, and flat tops. Even Billy Ray Cyrus, the King of Mullets, eventually gave in and changed his do.
However, there has been a ray of hope for the mullet, and in 2016 no less. Billy Ray has gone back to the mullet, and I think the rest of America needs to do so, too, for the following reasons:
1. It’s the best of both worlds
To quote a song by Billy Ray’s daughter from the days when she wore a wig on TV every week, a mullet truly is the best of both worlds.
Do you have reservations of fully growing out a lion’s man?
Do your “friends” and family keep badgering you to cut your hair? (I say “friends” because real friends would never tell you to cut your hair.)
Why not meet both sides in the middle? A mullet gives you the satisfaction of flow with the neatness of a short cut. Nobody will be able to complain.
2. Mullets demand respect.
Chuck Norris is widely regarded to be the baddest man in history. Why though? Ignoramuses would guess it has to do with his martial artistry, or his skill as an actor, and while those are respectable qualities, the true reason nobody ever messed with the man who would eventually become one of the internet’s oldest memes is his badass (pardon my French) mullet. Those who were dumb enough to try to tangle with him often got distracted by the beauty of his lettuce long enough to get thoroughly wrecked by old Carlos.
3. The Mullet will achieve world peace.
Piggybacking off of my last point, if everybody in the world wore a mullet, nobody would ever fight. People would feel equal levels of intimidation and respect upon seeing another person with a mullet, causing all altercations to be extinguished before they can even begin. It’s not a coincidence that both Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton sport hairstyles that are mighty similar to mullets: they both want to stop all of the senseless fighting and warring in the world when they take office.
4. Mullets are practical.
As the above diagram proves, mullets offer the perfect balance of business and party that any person needs in order to live a happy and healthy life. Short hair provides too much business and not enough party. Long hair gives too much party while sorely neglecting business. The mullet is the hairstyle that looks out for you. It makes sure that you don’t have to think twice about your hair regardless of if you’re crunching numbers in the office or crushing a night on the town with your bros.
5. You never have to put sunscreen on the back of your neck.
If you didn’t reach for a bottle of aloe vera upon seeing this picture, then you’re probably Satan. This picture is the epitome of pain. You know how this poor bastard ended up like this? He made the poor decision of not having a mullet. If this boy had a mullet, he wouldn’t have had to endure such pain and suffering. If you know someone who burns easily, please, beg them to grow a mullet.
6. Mullets are attractive.
John Stamos was undoubtedly one of the biggest hunks on the planet during his tenure on Full House, and it’s no coincidence that he was sporting a bodacious mullet at the time. Girls and women alike still swoon upon seeing Uncle Jesse in 2016, which speaks volumes of the mullet. Patrick Swayze danced into America’s heart with his role in Dirty Dancing, due in large part to his magical mullet. Billy Ray Cyrus was an Achy Breaky Heartthrob in the ’90s, and he had his one-of-a-kind ponytail mullet to thank. Don’t get it twisted, though, women are also attractive with mullets. Just ask Florence Henderson, who caught the eye of her Brady Bunch co-star Barry Williams while sporting her lady-mullet.
7. Mullets make you a superior athlete.
Larry Bird is possibly the whitest person to grace the face of the earth. He was so white that folks called him “The Hick from French Lick”. So how was he able to win NBA MVP three times? His mullet, of course, was the reason. Larry Bird wasn’t the only superstar with a mullet. Andre Agassi was the #1 tennis player in the world and accomplished the Grand Slam eight times in his career. Agassi was known for his backhand, but his strongest quality was his mullet. Jaromir Jagr has scored the 3rd most points in NHL history, the vast majority of which were scored with a mullet under his helmet.
Many people these days say there’s something wrong with America. Some say that America isn’t safe enough. Some say that America isn’t tough enough. Some say that America isn’t smart enough. I know just what America needs to solve any problems it might have. It needs a little bit of business, and a little bit of party.
