Navigating the Goldilocks Dilemma
One of the biggest tensions for women as they advance is that the Goldilocks dilemma, or double bind, becomes even harder for women to navigate in senior positions. Female leaders find themselves critiqued both for being “too feminine” and “too masculine” — always needing to walk a complicated tightrope in between.
An obvious way this manifests is related to how women dress — as I’ve depicted in the comic here. But the Goldilocks Dilemma is not just about appearance, but about how women are perceived and judged related to actions, tone, and more.
The Goldilocks Dilemma creates five challenges for women as they advance in the workplace.
1. Women must walk a more narrow tightrope when it comes to leadership style.
Think of different leadership styles. On one end of the spectrum, there’s a more direct, assertive style, focused on task and outcomes (stereotypically masculine). On the other end of the spectrum, there’s a more communal style, focused on group dynamics and involving everyone in discussion (stereotypically feminine).
The strongest leaders — whether they are men or women — know how to balance the two, and most people fall somewhere in the middle of the spectrum. But the allowable spectrum is so much wider for men — research shows that men can be either more assertive, or more communal without penalty. Even a communal man is seen as assertive by virtue of being a man. For example, a woman asking a group’s opinion is perceived as weak, but a man doing so is perceived as thoughtful, savvy, or confident.
2. Female leaders are expected to be more accessible than men.
Women are expected to play a caretaking role; as a result, they’re often seen as overwhelmed, arrogant, or cold when they don’t. On the other hand, men who aren’t as accessible to staff and colleagues are assumed to be “busy and important.” This is also one of the reasons why women often end up doing a disproportionate amount of “office housekeeping.” For more, read my piece: “Why weaponized incompetence happens—and how to stop it.”
3. Women are viewed negatively when they provide critical feedback — often a key role managers must play — in a way that men are not.
Research shows that criticism can be ill-received when it comes from a female manager because it’s antithetical to the stereotype that women are expected to be positive and supportive.
4. Behaviors that limit a woman’s advancement, often do not harm men.
For example, as I’ve depicted in the comic below, let’s take two employees, Dan and Shannon. A new policy is announced in a meeting that they both dislike. Shannon complains in a brusque tone, while Dan slams his laptop shut and storms out of the room. The conversation about Shannon is typically: She can’t control her temper. It’ll really limit her career. About Dan: He can’t control his temper. But he’s a good guy. Nobody’s perfect. Both Dan and Shannon may need to work on how they engage and work with others, but the penalty is much worse for Shannon.
5. Stereotypically feminine traits are generally undervalued in many workplaces, harming both organizations and individuals.
Many women express frustration that the imperative to “lean in” assumes that women should act more stereotypically masculine, rather than acknowledging the problems that result from workplaces neglecting stereotypically feminine activities (empathy, listening, collaboration). These activities are critical to organizational success — more so now than ever — but are often devalued because they are associated more with women than with men.
These are also traits that women are socialized to care about from a young age, meaning women are more likely to be practiced at these activities by the time they get into the workplace, only to find that they’re expected to suppress them. While women do not have a monopoly on these skills — and not all women have them — they are often honed by the way women are socialized. Unfortunately, in stereotypically masculine environments, women are actively discouraged from talking about EQ-related issues.
Not only does this impede organizational goals, but suppressing their talents and perspectives can also lead women to feel inauthentic and unaligned with their organization’s values.
Taking the next step: redefining leadership presence
The phrase “leadership presence” is too often narrowly associated with what’s on the surface: what we wear, how we stand, how we sound. It reinforces the challenge of the Goldilocks Dilemma for many women.
But the most important — and challenging — part of leadership presence is ensuring that our messages have the intended impact. Learn more about my leadership presence workshops here.
Check out my book to learn more about the Goldilocks dilemma and the challenges women face as they advance in leadership.
And visit my website: https://www.melanieho.com
