Hollywood Hates Me

Sideshow Bob vs. Killer BOB

August 16, 2010 at 4:44 pm (Fictional Character Battles) (Killer BOB, Sideshow Bob, The Simpsons, Twin Peaks)

It’s a battle of guys named (descriptor) Bob! Which automatically eliminates Bob the Builder, but he sucks anyway, so it’s OK.

For those of you not in the know, Sideshow Bob is a character on The Simpsons. Killer BOB is part of the Twin Peaks mythos, and is the part that always makes me scream in terror a little bit, because the actor is terrifying.

Sideshow Bob, preparing to commit all sorts of evil acts of evilness! Either that, or he has a bunion.

Seriously, can you imagine working with this guy? I mean, just try asking him what he did this weekend without wetting yourself.

On to the battle!

Physicality. Sideshow Bob is an animated character with really, really big feet. He played second fiddle to a clown (a Klown?) for many years. From that alone, I think we can infer that he’s none too attractive. Killer BOB, with apologies to the actor who plays him, has scraggly hair and is all sorts of evil/fugly. Winner? Nobody. Gods. They’re both hideous.

Is the physical embodiment of evil? Sideshow Bob is a criminal mastermind (?) who has terrorized Bart Simpson for years, in addition to framing Krusty the Clown for bank robbery and various other feats of evil-ty that I 1) can’t be bothered to list now; and 2) that’s because I can’t remember what they are specifically. Killer BOB is an evil entity that possesses people and makes them commit evil acts, like (spoiler alert!) murdering their very own precious daughter. Winner? You think this is a gimme for Killer BOB, don’t you? Well, you forgot that Sideshow Bob is a clown. It’s a tie.

And the only thing scarier than one clown is a herd of clowns.

Actually committed evil-er acts, then. Fine, since The Simpsons is a family show and hardly ever kills anybody, except for all those people that they have killed, this category goes to Killer BOB. Winner? Killer BOB.

I was only going to use one image of Killer BOB, 'cause he's scary, but I love Coop so much.

Has a strange relationship to shoes somehow. Sideshow Bob has freaky big feet. Like, the kind of feet that make ladies sit up and take notice. Yeah. So it goes without saying that it’s pretty hard for Sideshow Bob to find shoes that fit. Actually, it doesn’t go without saying, because I said it. Killer BOB roomed with a guy above a gas station, and that one-armed man named Mike eventually became a shoe salesman. Twin Peaks doesn’t make sense sometimes. Winner? It’s another tie!

Why is Killer BOB’s name capitalized? I don’t know.

Provokes a deep, almost inadvertent, emotional response? When I see Sideshow Bob, I laugh like a little girl, because I know that Kelsey Grammer is doing the voice acting, and for some reason, that slays me. When I see Killer BOB, I scream like a little girl, because I’m afraid he will slay me for real. Those are both deep emotional responses. Winner? It’s a tie!

Has crazier hair? Killer BOB has scraggly gray hair, which we covered already. But it’s no match for Sideshow Bob’s mop, which doesn’t have gravity to deal with. Winner? Sideshow Bob.

That? Is the hair of a madman.

Who’d’ve thought these guys were so evenly matched up? Nobody! Nobody would’ve thunk it.

The tie-breaking question? Is coming up.

Has a better cohort in crime? Sideshow Bob has Sideshow Cecil, who will live on forever via the immortal line: “And now to kill you. There may be a slight ringing in your ears. Fortunately, you’ll be nowhere near them.” Sideshow Cecil is so cool. Killer BOB has Mike, the one-armed man who has turned into a shoe salesman. Twin Peaks is so godsdamned weird. Winner? The guy whose brother is voiced by one of my heroes, David Hyde Pierce. Sideshow Bob.

Looks harmless, doesn't he? Well, he's not. He's 6 lbs of evil in a 5 lb bag. Yeah. Let's use that metaphor.

Overall winner? Sideshow Bob. I’d say by a hair, but we all know it was the big feet.