The Toronto Maple Leafs lost and I’m incredibly sad. This sucks. They suck. I love them. What’s wrong with me? What’s wrong with them?
Pain. Pain forever. Let’s discuss.
First of all
It’s really hard to love this team because they don’t have the edge that I long for in a hockey club. How can they let Sam Bennett assault and intentionally concuss our rookie Matthew Knies, and nobody responds?
No one’s upset that Bennett stole Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson’s finishing move and Rock Bottomed our rookie (born in 2002) onto the ice? This doesn’t bother any players that wear blue? I want to love a team that stands up for themselves and each other and I have to admit the Maple Leafs completely lack that component. It’s disgraceful.
It shouldn’t have to be up to Keefe to dress Wayne Simmonds to address this. Sam Bennett is not a heavyweight. Any of our guys could have and should have stood up to him and made a difference. The fact that of our core best players Auston Matthews, William Nylander, Mitch Marner, John Tavares, Ryan O’Reilly, and Morgan Rielly - not one of these guys has been in a real NHL fight? I don’t mean to sound like a caveman but that is pathetic and makes them extremely hard to love.
I despise the lack of bite back amongst our core superstars and whatever moves they make this off-season, this needs to be addressed. Matthew Tkachuk should not punch Marner in the face twice and not face any consequences.
It is disgraceful. Gross. Indefensible. And truly, more than anything, disappointing. This, more than anything else within the organization, has to change.
Second of all
Winning is hard to do. Ask the San Jose Sharks for like 15 years. Ask Eric Lindros, Joe Thornton, Curtis Joseph, Pavel Bure, Marcel Dionne, Mats Sundin, Ethan Werek, Adam Oates, Dale Hawerchuk, Mike Gartner, Roberto Luongo, Carey Price, Henrik Lundquist, etc.
All of these players are amongst the greatest to ever lace up skates and they never won. I’m not a Stanley Cup or bust guy. I want to see an effort and improvement. And I believe it’ll happen one day.
In a lot of ways the Maple Leafs are the best team to cheer for in all of professional sports. Because if they ever actually do the thing, the payoff and joy will be greater than any other team in sports can provide. The Boston Red Sox were us. They won. The Chicago Cubs were us. They won. The St Louis Blues had never won in franchise history dating back to 1968 and they won! It’ll happen one day and all this pain will be worth it.
We ran into a hot goalie. Shit happens when you party naked. The team is rock solid. You cannot honestly be a fan of this organization and want to see it completely torn down. Some changes must come but the foundation is there. We love this team. Make them better.
What’s next?
Kyle Dubas - He is without a contract. I absolutely love this human and would be devastated if he leaves.
Sheldon Keefe - He is without a contract. The amount of ice time he gave Justin Holl this playoffs took years off my life. He failed. He’s gotta go. I wish him well. I would possibly be down for another year of him as long as we don’t re-sign Holl and he personally apologizes to me for the pain he’s caused. Coaching is overrated. The team I coached this passed year won zero games and learned absolutely nothing from me. Coaching them was worse than loving the Leafs. I swear.
Auston Matthews - I thought the stuff with Stamkos round 1 was really disappointing.
Stand up for yourself. He’s smaller than you! Anyways, Auston is eligible to sign a new contract on July 1st. If he doesn’t want to or wants time to think it over we absolutely have to trade him. We can’t be in a situation like the Islanders when Tavares left them. If he doesn’t want to sign a max contract to stay in Toronto, we don’t want him anyways. Trade him for as much as you can and move on as an organization. If he does want to sign, as I hope he does, lock him in. He’s so hot.
William Nylander - Same same but a little different. We could treat him like a self rental if he doesn’t want to re-sign or the money isn’t manageable. He could also be a nice piece to trade in general since we are pathetic losers and a shakeup might be necessary. I love Willy. We love Willy as a fanbase. He’s gorgeous and fun. But the framework of this team needs to change and he might be the odd man out. I hope not. We’ll see.
Mitch Marner - Don’t trade Mitch. Do not do it. He’s incredible at hockey and cute as a button. If you’re going to trade him make it for Brady Tkachuk or something very sexy.
John Tavares - He isn’t going anywhere. Any writer or talk radio guy you hear discussing this as a possibility is either wasting your time or doesn’t know anything. He signed here. He has a no move clause. He’s the captain. It’s not happening. Shut up about it forever.
Matt Murray - My darling Kyle Dubas has made some very good moves as general manager. This was not one of them. What at polarizing trade by the young whippersnapper, and it worked out almost exactly like everyone on earth predicted. To say Murray is made of glass would be insulting to glass. This was probably the worst acquisition made by the Leafs in the last decade and they need to make it disappear. They can buy him out at a $2 million cap penalty (next season) or move him to one of the fake teams in the West and have them eat his contract. Either way he’s gone, 100%. May his memory be a blessing.
Michael Bunting - Look, I know a lot of Leaf fans like him. I’m just not one of them. He’s a perfectly fine player to have, but when you look at this roster filled with cutie patooties, it just isn’t a fit. We have too many guys softer than the expensive toilet paper, we can’t have the only pest in the league that literally cannot and will not back up his actions. It makes our crappy little team even more unlikeable and it’s a no from me dawg. I do not want to see Michael Bunting return. I actually want him to sign with a rival in Ottawa or Montreal so we can all align on hating him.
Ryan O’Reilly - I have a feeling he wants to go back to St. Louis. Players love it there and he’s a franchise icon for them. I hope I’m wrong and the Leafs can come to terms with him, but that’s just the vibe I’m getting.
Alex Kerfoot - If he signs for what he’s worth ($2 million per year) I’d be down to keep him. But I think he’s gone. Smell you later.
Luke Schenn - BRING HIM BACK
We want Florida
Fake news. CNN. Not a reflection of this fanbase.
This fanbase is toxic, stupid, ugly, smelly, blind, annoying, and incredibly superstitious. One of my friends came over for Game 5 against the Lightning and after we lost we agreed we wouldn’t watch any more games together. I went to Game 1 in the second round and after the loss decided I should probably avoid the building. We ate sushi during Game 4 and seriously contemplated ordering it again last night before Game 5 because it’d bring us luck!
I spoke to like 20 people after round one before the Bruins and Panthers played Game 7, and every fan I spoke to either didn’t care or wanted to play against Boston for the chance at redemption. This fan base is filled with grumpy dads who haven’t won anything in their lives and hate loving this team more than anything in this world. We would never chant “we want Florida” and the fact that a small percentage of people who are stupid enough to watch a game at Maple Leaf Square were chanting that, and it became the talking point in the media and for the players all series long makes me sick.
Watching Leaf haters online and on TV chastise the fan base for something a small group of literal losers who are watching a hockey game standing outside really bothers me. These are not real Maple Leaf fans. The real fans are tense, anxious, nervous, and completely lacking confidence and faith.
We didn’t want Florida. We wanted to win the Stanley Cup. Joe Biden is way too old to be president. Shut up.
Next year
This is who we have signed going into next season:
Knies Matthews Marner
Jarnkrok Tavares Nylander
Lafferty
Rielly Timmins
Brodie liljegren
Giordano McCabe
Woll
Murray
It’s still a very good hockey team on paper. And obviously prepare to swap Murray for Samsonov. This team is already built for another chance at the Stanley Cup. Take them to the shop and make some rennovations but then run it back. You have no other options.
Next year in Jerusalem.