1. Umpteen varieties of Oreos
OMG. How DID people manage from 1912 to 1975 with just PLAIN old Oreos?. Today we have Chocolate-Filled Oreos, Double-stuffed Oreos, Double-stuffed Mint Oreos, Golden Oreos, Mini Oreos, Caviar Oreos, Plutonium Oreas….and Lord knows what else.
2. American Idol
While we obsess over glorified Karaoke singers, the Barbarians are making plans to storm our city gates.
This is how Rome fell.
3. Mulit-colored Lucky Charms Marshmallows
Sugary cereal isn’t decadent enough. Sugary cereal with marshmallows isnt’ decadent enough. Sugary cereal with multicolored marshmallows….NOW we’re talkin’!
Just think of the R&D that went into develooping the right food chemistry and injection-molding technology to make these.
I still buy this shit, though.
4. Diet Pet Food
Try explaining THIS to a starving African.
5. Handicapped Parking at the trailhead…for HIKING trails.
I’m not kidding. I know places where these exist!
I’m sorry if this sounds harsh. But someone is going out of their way to walk 2 miles, then they can walk the extra 50 feet from the parking lot like the rest of us.
6. Getting upset over “Merry Christmas”
If this is one of our biggest gripes in December, then we deserve COAL in our stocking.
What would our grandparents think, who fought for our freedom in WW II?
Warms their heart, this probably does.
7. Digitally colorizing old movies
Thank God no one ever has to suffer the trauma of watching something in black and white any more.
8. Bo-Tox
We dont’ want to look old. So we inject POISON into our face.
Makes sense to me.
9. Blogging about Twitter, and Twittering about Blogging
Talk about a self-perpetuating Jerkle Cirque.
We need to get better hobbies. Seriously.
10. Mt. Mitchell’s Observation Deck
When you take the highest peak east of the Mississippi and pave a road to the top, that’s one thing.
But when you make it wheelchair accessible, well, that kinda of ruins whatever’s left of the wilderness experience.
11. Bagel-Fuls
Apparently, spreading cream cheese on a bagel is TOO MUCH WORK. This must be why they came up with these abominations.
12. Cell phones that can be used as a carpenter’s level.
It’s about TIME!!!
Next, I hear they’re working on phones that will actually be able to send and receive voice signals.
13. Car GPS’s
Our ancestors navigated across uncharted waters to colonize the New World.
Today, we’re too dumb-ass to even read a map to find the mall.
14. Bling water (at $38 a pop)
No wonder half the planet hates us.
15. 20-foot inflatable Gorillas
Google it. You’ll be surprised at how many there are.
You have to admit. It’s a proud moment for a civilization when it has progressed to the point where it can actually support people who’s job it is to make and sell these things.
I want one in my yard.
The Deep Friar 