I’m not sure where to take this one. I mean, it’s definitely a subject I think is worth pondering on. Whether it’s the act itself, or the fame whore person discussing it… and I realise this is old news, it all happened back in mid January, but I have only come across it now – so here goes.

Jennifer Love has been busy. Not only the lead in her own TV show where she whispers to ghosts, she is also now a writer, having recently penned a How-to novel for those seeking advice on dating, titled The Day I Shot Cupid: Hello, My Name Is Jennifer Love Hewitt and I’m a Love-aholic.   I have failed to follow her on twitter up until today, but upon learning of her new ventures, am intrigued by her… more or less the same way I am intrigued by someone suffering from Tourettes syndrome.

Here’s why…. Look out for about the 2.40 mark where she discusses her ‘precious lady’ and how she has groomed it for her appearance on the show.

Oh Love, let me list the ways you’re like a cheese grater on my nerves and make me feel as though my brain is melting…

1. Your boots don’t match your dress. Sorry. I know somewhere in Vogue or in New York Fashion week they were doing the whole “cocktail dress with boot” look on the catwalk, but my eyes are drawn to your silly beige boots and I don’t like it. A pair of Louboutin pumps would have been fine.
2. The gushing, the giggling, the way I feel as though I’m watching a first date where the girl is trying so hard to enjoy herself in order to win over the boy. (In this case I don’t know if it’s the host or the audience – probably both)
3. The fact that you call your Vagina a ‘precious lady’. Don’t get me wrong, precious it may be… but from the references to your serial dating and from some excerpts in the book, there ‘aint much lady goin’ on down there.  ***
4. The way she says, “I am currently vajazzled”  so proudly, like she has just said, “I just completed my PHD in physics!”
5. The way I think she had every intention of bringing it up – I have no doubt the conversation was staged. Like her publicist / manager said to her… “Hey Jen, somehow mention the chapter on Vajazzling, the audience will eat it up and you will get so much media from it”  Well it has worked hasn’t it, and here I am adding to that long list of – People Who Pay Attention To A Girl Discussing Her Vagina Outside A Gynaecologists Office.

*** Hewitt has been linked to Craig Ferguson, Carson Daly, Joey Lawrence, Wilmer Valderrama, Patrick Wilson, Kip Pardue, John Mayer, LFO’s Rich Cronin, ex-fiancé Ross McCall, and very recent ex-fiancé Jamie Kennedy.

photo from Gettys 

So thinking that perhaps the book might shed some light on her psyche, and what motivates her to not only glue Swarovski crystals on to her V-jay jay, but also to include it in a book and then discuss it on national television,  I  referred to both her twitter page, and also her official website.

Twitter was unfortunately not much help. He tweets are a little mundane and shallow.  Like:  “Eating some icecream – YUM!”  or “I’m soo blessed to have you fans, I love you all.” Or this one back in December “Only two more days till Christmas! Tomorrow is Christmas Eve.”    NO KIDDING!

The website was a mash-up of metaphors. First, the three monkeys at the top (see no evil, hear no evil, speak no evil) surrounded by diamonds and her name written in romantic type cursive font.   The home page lists dates and locations of her book signings, and then I noticed there’s a video where she is explaining her motivation for Vajazzling. Here’s the clip.

Ok so there’s actually a lot she says that makes sense to me and appeals to my own sorry experiences with break-ups.  There’s a lot of crazy things I have done after being dumped.  I wondered if her book might shed some light on perhaps a few more sensible tips for girls going through break-ups (Other than gluing crystals on to your hoo-ha).  I was disappointed to say the least.

Here are some gems from her book about dating ‘shoulds’ and ‘should nots’..  courtesy of Star Magazine’s book exerpts.

1. “Remember: Cleavage isn’t cheap, it’s gorgeous! Show it off!”
2. “Before a date, Vagazzle ‘it’! (Not for him, for you!)”
3. “Take a bath every night with a tiara on. It really does make you feel like a queen!”
4. “Don’t take a diuretic before a date; you will pee all night long!”
5. “This is embarrassing and personal, but once a month, since I was twelve years old, I go to my favourite jewellery store and try on my dream ring.”
6. From the list of 20 Things To Do After A Breakup: “Make out with a stranger (he must be gorgeous or you’ll feel worse).”
7. From the list of 10 Things To Do Before A Date: “Spray tan is a must.”
8. From the list of Strikes, where if a guy has three, you forget it: “He keeps saying ‘That’s so dumb’ when you’re talking.”
9. “Remember, your body is a temple, not a 7-Eleven.”
10. From the list of What A Man Should Know: How to pick a diamond, and To always have a coat for you.

Jen, I just have a few questions for you regarding this advice….

• Number 5 – so (according to you) at 31 years of age, you’ve been to the jeweller 225 times?????
• Number 3 – How old do you think your readers are, or what age of girl/guy were you writing for? Clearly not for other 31 year olds, more like 16 year olds. “Oh yes, let me stick a tiara on my head, that will really help me feel so good about the fact that right now my ex-boyfriend – love of my life is probably making wild crazy love to his new wife!!!!”
• Number 4. Are you serious? You mean you’ve actually done this? Please explain?
• Number 7. What if it’s the middle of Winter, your legs need waxing, and it is literally 3 degrees outside. What will having a spray tan achieve because I don’t envisage I’d be wearing much skin revealing clothing – which leads me to number 1.
• Number 1. Cleavage CAN look cheap. You’ve obviously never seen Li’l Kim on the red carpet pre-prison days.
• Number 8. Actually I agree in part with you here. But why wait three times? If a guy calls me stupid ONCE, he’s off my radar.
• Number 10. WOW. You’ve never had a baby with a guy have you? Have a baby and you’ll see how ridiculously RUBBISH that statement is. Always have a coat? I live in the tropics – if my husband handed me a coat I’d ask him if he had been smoking hooch. And how to pick a diamond? Ok, very romantic Jen, but what about… How to disagree without starting WW3. How to make compromises. How to help pick up the pieces when someone close to you dies.  How to do your own damn ironing!!!!!!

 

I DO think she’s spot on with number 9, and I have to admit to doing number 6 myself, but that’s about it. I think Jennifer is exactly what I have always thought of her. A sweet girl, searching for ways to get noticed, and loved. Her book, her tweets, her website all exasperate this and I truly hope she finds what she’s looking for, because even disco balls lose their appeal in the light of day.

UPDATE: I leanred that John Mayer wrote the song, “Your body is a Wonderland” about Jennifer. I wonder if she had been Vajazzling back then….. He could’ve written “Your body is a disco-tec”